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February 08, 2007

New Armor Innovation Will Protect Troops Against IEDs, Grizzly Bears

Ahem. Don't get your hopes up. The moment I saw this doofus and his "armor" -- which looks suspiciously like a cross between a TIE-fighter flight suit and gladiator armor from TRON -- I thought, "Wait, this looks like the idiot who's been trying to create 'anti-bear armor' for years, so he can, for unfathomable reasons, pet grizzly bears without being mauled to death."

And then, five seconds in, he said it -- the new "infantry armor" is based on his previous anti-bear armor designs.

Background on this guy's eternal quest for armor allowing him to pet, and fight, bears.

A blog with more links.

More video, showing him proving the efficacy of his ant-bear armor, by showing that it protects from truck-impacts. Bears' favored attacks, of course, are, in order: 1) Mauling/raking with the foreclaws; 2) suffocating a victim via a "hug;" and 3), hit-and-run collisions while driving a Ford F150.

And now, the actual "full-body exoskeleton infantry armor" itself.

I just about busted a gut when he showed off the "anti-bear spray" on the left forearm-- the guy is trying to sell this to the US military for use in the war on terror, but goddamnit, he's still going to build his goofball armor with an array of anti-bear defenses, isn't he? Because we all know Muslims have dire bear animal companions, like Druids in D&D.

And then it gets better -- because among the features of this super-duper Starship Trooper armor he's most proud of is a digital clock -- showing 20 different time zones! Twenty! -- built into the armor's crotch.

It flips open like a small circular plastic dick.

Yeah. I can see why he's so eager to show that off.

Because that's gonna be the first question DARPA asks him -- "But does it come with a clock?"

You, Sir, are a goof.

I don't know who sent this, but whoever you are: Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

BREAKING: US Troops Capture Six "High-Ranking Kodiak Bears" In Sadr City: Well, I guess I'm the asshole then, aren't I?

In my defense, the MacKenzie Brother "Take off, eh, you hoser" accent really didn't inspire confidence in his engineering acumen.

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posted by Ace at 05:02 PM

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