The Barbed Cock of Satan Prince

This is what it sounds like when doves cry after having had sex with Prince's massive shadow puppeted schlong.

In what may be the dumbest controversy of the day (although the day is still young) Prince is catching hell for his halftime performance at the Super Bowl.

Why you ask? Because apparently, he has a ginormous, barbed, shadowy, cock which inspires jealousy/envy/homoerotic and/or heterosexual lust in some viewers.

To the barbed blockquotes!

A number of bloggers have decried "Malfunction!" — including Sam Anderson at New York magazine's Daily Intelligencer. Daily News television critic David Bianculli called it "a rude-looking shadow show" that "looked embarrassingly rude, crude and unfortunately placed."

Lighten up, Nancy. Sometimes a guitar is just a guitar.

For decades, the electric guitar, by nature, has been considered phallic. From Jimi Hendrix's sensual 6-string swagger to Eddie Van Halen's masturbatory soloing, the guitar has often been thought an extension of a male player's sexuality.

I'll never hear "Eruption" the same way again. Curse your masturbatory soloing, Eddie Van Halen! And how the hell did Eddie Van Halen get attached to the word "masturbation" when you have David Lee Roth in the band, anyway?

Was Prince's pose phallic?

"The short answer is, of course it is," says Rolling Stone magazine contributing editor Gavin Edwards, who points out that on Prince's "Purple Rain" tour in the mid `80s, he performed with a guitar that would ejaculate, squirting water out of its end during the climax of "Let's Go Crazy."

Didn't Gallagher try the same thing with his audiences? I always thought that hammer banging the melon bit was a little sadomasochistic.

"All that said, it didn't seem like a sniggering little puppet show," adds Edwards. "I think it was one of those things because a guitar at waist level does look like an enormous phallus."

By enlarging his shadow, it's possible Prince intended to accentuate this aspect of his solo, but it's just as likely it was accidental. (You can find videos of the halftime show at YouTube.com.) A message left with Prince's publicist Tuesday wasn't returned.

People see what they want to see. If you want to see the barbed cock of Prince, I suppose you will see the barbed cock of Prince.

And you know who among you wanted to see that. You aren't welcome here.

As for me? I was just psyched that he played a little "All Along the Watchtower".

If there's one thing I have long maintained it's that the Super Bowl needs more Bob Dylan.

posted by Jack M. at 11:45 AM

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