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February 01, 2007

Life Imitates The Onion

Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Jon Strauss, 22, a Kirksville video-store manager, announced Monday that he supports U.S. troops "100 percent"—with the exception of the ones with whom he went to high school.

Strauss, who said he backs "99.9 percent" of America's troops.

"My heart goes out to the troops, and I pray for their safe return," said Strauss, a 1998 graduate of Kirksville High School. "Except for that dick Andy Tischler. I hope the Iraqis capture him and torture his wedgie-inflicting ass."

Though he expressed mixed feelings about the war against Iraq, Strauss said he feels it is vital for Americans to stand united behind the nation's fighting men and women in uniform. He draws the line, however, at his former classmates.

"Troy Nowicki, this guy who was in my junior-year gym class, is in the Navy now," Strauss said. "He was on the football team, and he used to love to tease me and give me purple nurples and generally make my life miserable. Once, he head-butted me so hard, I couldn't hear for an hour. Fucking asshole. Yeah, I'm really praying for his safe return."

It's a shame we have to collectively play for these assholes' still trying to come to terms with high school alienation forty years after the fact.

Cut right through the intellectual window dressing, and Bill Arkin is just an effeminite version John Bender still upset about the "Sportos."

No, Dad, what about you?

Fuck you!

No, Dad, what about you?

Fuck you!

In related news, with Arkin's firing all but announced, it's going to be a banner fucking Christmas in the Arkin household. Cartons of Marlboro Reds for all the kids cats.


Mentioned in a comment at HotAir.


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posted by Ace at 03:30 PM

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