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January 08, 2007

David Caruso Is A God

...because he gets away with being a complete hamdouche week after week.

He has the stupidest lines in TV. He's remade the CSI franchise into a Heroic Cult of Personality centerered around him. He has four acting moves -- look down at the floor then suddenly look up to cow a malefactor with his powerful blue glare, don/doff his sunglasses, backpedal out of frame (the frame cannot contain David Caruso's electric presence!), and put his hands on his hips in a "look at my package" manner -- and yet this stupid show is the most popular TV show in the world.

Our enlightened European betters and all that.

I just had to post this, because I just saw the worst CSI: Miami ever, and I'm a connosieur of this particular crap.

Caruso heroically got a hate-crimes case against a man already on the hook for capital murder. The DA asks, "Isn't the hate crimes case overkill?"

Caruso looks down at his feet, sunglasses off. "Doesn't hate concern you?" he asks the DA, burning with quiet righteousness.

"Of course it does," she answers.

"Good," he says, and then inevitably puts on the sunglasses and looks up. "Because hate should concern us all."

He actually said that. Next week he's going to come out against Naziism.

Then the camera went to a heroic overhead shot, then craned down to look forward at him as he pages heroically through the evidence he's collected as a heroically-jangly U2-esque guitar plays.

This scene actually made me cover my mouth out of true, visceral embarassment and begin saying "Holy shit, holy shit" to myself.

I'm telling you -- it's the best show on television. It's so monstrously bad it's brilliant. The Office, even the BBC version, cannot even touch it in terms of cringe-inducing squirmy embarassment.


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posted by Ace at 04:54 PM

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