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January 02, 2007

Cool Facts About Police Captain Jamil Hussein

If you ever meet him, ask him to pull up his shirt. Don't worry, he's used to it. The real Jamil has two pupiks. Also, you can say any phrase you want to him and he will turn it into an anagram, just like Dick Cavett. He's slightly colorblind, plasma TVs give him a headache, and he's gonzo for Parker Posey.

-- Police Commissioner Akim Hussein

Other cool facts:

* Jamil Hussein created the popular kids' games Operation! and Hungry Hungry Hippos. His career took a bad turn, however, after the poorly-received boardgame "Douche-Chills!" and its annoying commercial campaign ("Mom! Sis keeps giving me the shivering douche-chills!").

* Jamil Hussein was once attacked by a cougar. Once.

* Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, but only Jamil Hussein can bring pleather back.

* Jamil Hussein orignated his own style of martial arts, emphasizing flashy leg kicks, ground-fighting manuevers, and shooting people in the face with a fucking shotgun.

* Jamil Hussein does not giggle when he hears the refrain "Turn around, Bright-Eyes." He just sighs wistfully.

* Children all over Iraq look forward each year to Jamil Hussein Day, when they go out in the neighborhood dressed in colorful traditional costumes, festoon trees and houses with brightly colored ribbons, and kick passing strangers in the genitals when they're not looking. Adults are less keen on the holiday.

* Never speak the name "Bruce Villanche" within earshot of Jamil Hussein. Trust me-- just don't.


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posted by Ace at 04:04 PM

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