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November 12, 2006


Many thanks to all who participated in The New Age contest. I never had so much fun reviewing contest entries. Hilarious.

To reiterate my admiration for you people:

When life hands you lemons, do you crumble?

Do you blame everybody but yourself when things go wrong?

When your team loses, do so many of you go shrieking to therapists about it, that a bullshit mental disorder is coined for your whiny ass?

You spew black smoke into the atmosphere for about...oh, 48 hours, until the absurdity of whole thing sinks in. Setbacks happen.

And in a snap, you're over yourself.
Life handed you lemons. And this was your response:

The Most Wonderful Things Are About To Happen!!11!1!!!

Keep in mind, these are the top ones you nominated, near as I can figure from the Nominations Thread. I culled some of the ones that didn't fit the format, etc.

I uh, did a lot of culling. There were many, many excellent nominees that kicked all kinds of ass, but in the end, these were the overwhelming favorites.

All selected the most by AOS commenters:


-Thanks to Democrats, I am now world Jenga champion!
Posted by: Michael J. Fox

-I finally coughed that thing up!
Posted by: Rita Cosby

-Hey, my arm grew back! Thanks!
Posted by: Def Leppard's Drummer

-I've been feeling funny all day. You know, now girls smell nice. And they're so soft, and curvy, and God I could slurp on those fun bags for days! Oh my God! Damn you, Rove! What have you done?!
Posted by: Andrew Sullivan

-{looking down}
Hey! Little Bob Dole works again! All by itself! Awesome!
{looking up}
Thanks Nanc...oooh, it's gone again. Never mind.
Posted by: Bob Dole

-I can walk!
Posted by: christopher reeves


-My God....
I'm typing in clear coherent sentences, and my caps lock key is broken!
Thank you Nancy!
Posted by: Spurwing Plover

-I am not stuck anymore!
Posted by: Israeli Tank

-I just broke Wickedpinto.
Posted by: unnamed bitch

-We got shirts!
Posted by: The Guys


-I'm growing again!!
Posted by: Polar ice cap

-Oh my dear GOD.
The monkeys are flying back into my ass.
Posted by: Dave in Texas

-Shakespeare! Finally.
Posted by: Million Typing Monkeys

-Hot damn!
Someone just left all the meat uncovered!
Posted by: A Muslim Cat

Thanks, guys. On to the fake awards:

Winners in the Famous People category will each receive an autographed photo of one of the most Famous People of all time, the great thespian, Ted McGinley.

Keep it in a safe place, that thing's gonna be worth a mint some day.

Inside Jokes winners, please wait patiently for the AOS courier to hand-deliver your very own bottle of Valu-Rite Vodka (other side of label says Valu-Rite Bug & Tar Remover, just ignore that, its a misprint).

Those who won the Everything Else category are in for an extra-special treat. Your winning entry will be hand-calligraphed on quality paper, then intricately folded by a highly-skilled origami artisan, to finally become one of these heirloom treasures.

Hey, hey, why the long faces, Other Nominees (aka 'losers')? Oh, well, Ace Of Spades HQ has a special parting gift for you too, don't fret.

Touch My Monkey!

Thanks to the crew at Innocent Bystanders for the award ideas, and to all who participated and made this the best AOS humor thread in recent memory.

digg this
posted by Laura. at 06:15 PM

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