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Bedbugs On The Rise In NYC -- Michael | Main | George Allen's New Macaca Maccabee Controversy
September 19, 2006

Rightwing RoveBots Make Light Of "Torture"

For God's sakes, people are being slapped in the belly. Slapped. In the belly.

And yet some weisenheimers think it's funny.

Like this militant Christianist.

Or this evil neocon personally responsible for selling "the soul of conservativism" to the Devil for 600 pieces of silver. (Inflation.)

It's a good premise, so I'll steal it.

Seven More "Torture" Techniques Opposed By St. John of the Prime-Time Straight-Talk, St. Lindsey of the Perpetual Lachrymonious Sanctimony, and St. Andrew of the Sacred Heart Ache

1) The Captain Kirk Reductio Ad Absurdum Gambit: The interrogator attempts to put the detainee into a state of cognitive dissonance by stating, calmly, "Everything I say is a lie." Some detainees will become disoriented by the illogcial contradiction of that statement, and begin robotically chanting "Does not compute, does not compute" until puffs of grey smoke stream out of their earholes.

NOTE: This technique is only recommended for "mandroids" and/or "fembots."

2) The Alpha Grrl Ego Attack: Six attractive tenth-grade girls selected for their popularity and verbal-bullying skills surround the detainee and begin making derogatory remarks about his clothing, his grooming, and especially his shoes. If the detainee does not immediately break, the Alpha Grrrl Ego Assault Squad has permission to begin asking, "Did your Mommy buy you that on sale at Marshall's?" Other girls may suggest the article of clothing in question is an "irregular" if the interrogation team leader deems it appropriate.

The Alpha Grrl Ego Assault Team may "escalate" the attack by attempting to sow discord between the interogatee and other detainees, by saying, inter alia, "Khadeem in Cell 14 says you think you all that, but you ain'" and "Nasser says he cuter than you."

3) The Pull My Finger: Half-an-alcoholic uncles from around the country have been specially recruited to execute this morale-debilitating maneuver.

4) Mullah In The Middle: This technique requires several months of preparation before it is actually executed. The detainee is given a special hat which, it is hoped, he will eventually develop an affection for. The hat is adorned with a slogan likely to appeal to him, like "Kiss Me, I'm Jihadist" or "World's Greatest Terrorist" or "Burka Inspector #69."

After the detainee has been permitted to cultivate an affection for the hat, interrogators take the hat from the detainee and begin tossing it back and forth between them, always just out of reach of the detainee. During this process, the lead interrogator begins baiting the interrogatee, holding it forward for him to take before quickly tossing it to another interrogator, and then remarking, "That's a great hat. You know what would get you that hat back? The name and location of your cell leader."

Note: This technique has been ruled to be "humilitaion" of a prisoner under Geneva Convention Common Article 3, so its legality is already subject to challenge.

5) "It's a Madhouse:" Several CIA operatives will skill in acting impersonate Upper West Side liberals and begin a conversation around the detainee in which they insist, despite all available evidence, that Jon Stewart, Bill Hicks, Bill Maher, Janeane Garofalo, Garrison Keillor, and Margaret Cho are "screamingly funny" and in fact "national treasures."

This will produce a sense of cognitive dissonance in the detainee, and cause even the most resolutely silent prisoners to eventually "break" and say, "I have seen these 'comics' to whom you refer. They are simply not funny. Even though they are on my side, I do not find them funny at all. And, frankly, I didn't even know Garrison Keillor was trying to be funny. I thought they had just given a radio show to a retarded person."

Once a dialgue is started, the CIA actors begin saying things like "I only watch PBS" and "I'm not sure I could get through the day if I didn't know Charlie Rose was there to wish me goodnight." Once the detainee is sufficiently emotionally disturbed by this, the lead interrogator says, "Well, Bill Moyers says that Zawahiri is hiding in Islamabad." The detainee will refute Bill Moyers 60% of the time by giving up his actual location.

6) The Kindhearted DM: The detainee is invited to roll up a character for Dungeons & Dragons. But he is given loaded dice that always generate ability scores in the 5-9 range.

After tearing up multiple character sheets, the DM brings out a character he rolled up himself, with 4 18's and psioncs (with all attack and defense modes). The character is of a house-rule race the DM invented, a "Driant," half-Drow, half-Storm Giant, with free access to magical Drow weaponry as well as an enchanted fourteen inch cock (+5 inches against bugbears).

The detainee can have this character -- for a price.

7) The Reality TV: CIA operatives begin asking the detaineed if he'd be interested in forming an "alliance" to keep from being voted out of Gitmo. At first, the detainee will likely be perplexed by this, but a "Rose Ceremony" held several days later demonstrates that those not in "an alliance" are likely to be voted off "the show" and not have any chance of winning the tricked-out Cadillac Escalade or $500,00 grand prize or the Dream Date with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Several "dates," "hot-tub parties," and "Rose Ceremonies" later, the detainee is taken to a booth to tape a "confessional," in which he's asked if he really thinks Jason and Suzie are "hooking up" or just faking it to get attention, if Khalid is really "pulling his weight" around the camp or just sleeping all day to better compete at the luxury challenges, and where Osama bin Ladin is hiding.

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posted by Ace at 02:14 PM

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