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July 25, 2006

Chris Matthews, Super-Tough, Ass-Kicking Fatboy

More with the chickenhawk crap:

Matthews sputters that if the "neoconservatives" had "been in a schoolyard fight in high school like they should have been, we wouldn't be seeing the world we're getting from them today."

Does anyone buy that tubby, chubby Chris Matthews was Danny F'n' Zucco in the playground? Or was he the kid blowing snot bubbles out of his nose crying after someone stole his Jamie Summers: Bionic Woman lunchbox?

Okay, wanna talk chickenhawk, tough-guy? You joined the Peace Corps to avoid Vietnam. This was a legal dodge, yet you still avoided serving. You endlessly mention your days as a cop in Philadelphia to establish your street-tough cred, but something tells me that serving briefly as a policeman was a way to finish up your Peace Corps commitment stateside. And as you never mention what neighborhoods in Philadelphia you were patrolling, something tells me you were protecting the city from gangs of roving, predatious rich white people in the tony Rittenhouse Square area.

Now-- Chickenhaw Matthews, you say we should have "finished the fight" in Afghanistan. But that means that you support fighting a war when you yourself avoided the chance to fight in Vietnam, and, in fact, support sending over young boys to die in Afghanistan when you are not willing to do any more fighting than you can manage from your cushy DC offices.

Hey-- you support the war in Afghanistan, so you say. So join the fight, Big Stuff. Pick up a rifle and join our boys. Why don't you join the team in time for the Big Win, soldier?

If it is your contention that you cannot support a war without fighting yourself -- then, by all means, get off your overpadded, overexposed Irish ass and sign up for combat duty in Kabul.


Correction: I'm told he walked his policeman's beat as part of the Capitol Hill force in DC.

Fine. Substitute "Capitol Hill" for "Philadelphia" and "Georgetown" for "Rittenhouse Square."

I can just imagine him being "first through the door" busting a dangerous Bojoulais Nouveau sipping circle.

STEVE HENDRICKSON: Hi, I'm Steve Hendrickson, visiting with my family -- my wife Mavis, my boys Todd and Chad -- from DeMoines, Iowa. I was wondering if you could point out the Smithsonian Air and Space Wing? The boys really want to see the Apollo capsule.

CHRIS "COBRA" MATTHEWS: You're the disease... and I'm the cure.

STEVE HENDRICKSON: I... think we may be miscommunicating here... I just want to know where I can see the Wright Brothers' airplane.

CHRIS "COBRA" MATTHEWS: You know when I said I'd kill you last, Steve Hendrickson of DeMoines, Iowa? I lied.

STEVE HENDRICKSON: Okaaayyy! We'll, uhh, be moving along, officer. Chad, Todd-- stay away from the scary fat man. He looks like a "biter."

CHRIS "COBRA" MATTHEWS: Oh, I'm nothin' but a gun and a badge? Here, let me put down my gun and badge. Now I'm just like you. Let's finish this.

TODD HENDRICKSON: I'm scared, Daddy. He looks like he wants to sit on my head.

STEVE HENDRICKSON: Just keep moving, Todd. Crab-walk. Keep your face towards him but move away as quickly as possible.


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posted by Ace at 10:50 AM

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