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July 11, 2006

How To Be A 9/11 Conspriacy Theorist

From Wuzzadem.

Crazy-Related: You know that crazy game I wrote about yesterday? Shawn, but not lowercase shawn, tracked down a review of it. I think it was the review I read.

The game is called F.A.T.A.L. Some red flags right there.

I forgot a couple of things. First, it's obsessed with rape, and many of the rules seem rape-related. Like, the reason you have to know your "fist circumference" is so you know what you need to roll in order to successfully, um, you know.

It's also racist. It includes "Armor of Jewy Jebacca," which makes your nose twice as large as normal, shrinks your "manhood," and makes you hairy. There's also "funny" armor that makes you dumb and lazy like a black person, or slanty-eyed (and badly hung) like a Chinese person. And in case you're wondering -- the armor that turns you black makes people think you have a bigger "manhood," but you really don't. I think this rule is in there to insure that no character has a bigger dick than the game creator's character.

And it has critical hits where you can, for example, cut off someone's clitoris. The big drawback here is that the woman so afflicted will not want to have sex for, say, 3d10 weeks. The game's creator focuses on that, not whether the woman has an infection or is maimed or anything. Just when she'll be ready to have sex again.

If it weren't already obvious this guy never touched a girl, he dispells all doubt for us. He actually includes a formula for determining "nipple length," but then goes on to confidently state that a nipple which is not aroused and hardened always has a length of zero.

Now, you might be laughing, imagining that this is an over-the-top parody. I assure you it's not. The game takes itself quite seriously, calling itself the most "realistic" game ever created, and cites a bunch of retarded sources for its premises. (It cites Aristotle for its anti-woman stuff, and, for some reason, it uses a book about Roman society as a primary source about Medieval European society, resulting in the strange contention that Medieval Europe had a lot of slaves.)

I mean, in some cases, the writer is trying to be funny, but in a really retarded way. Like calling a character "Cuntrina." Or calling that armor that turns you as "black as night" the armor of "nigrous nincompoopery" or something.

It's a long review, and the guys editorialize too much; pretty much the game is self-reviewing. You don't need a lot of argument as to why this is all stupid and nasty and just plain wrong. When random effects for "chaos spells" include a "schlong" which is "3d10 feet long" appearing and attempting to sodomize everyone in sight, or suddenly having the compulsion to fist-rape people, or having your intestines drop out of your ass ("loosely attached"), you just don't need much in the way of a commentary track.

Just skim through the boring parts and get to the good stuff. Like, oh, say, this:

0257 Nutsack of caster swells to 10d1000 in volume for 3d3 days.

0258 Next time caster poops, the turd comes alive, attacks caster: +80 TH, for 1 LP B dmg, CA 20, & 3 LP.

The whole thing is pretty much like that. It's as if a stupider, more racist, less socially apt, more misogynistic, more "turd" and "fart" and "cup size" obsessed Beavis and Butthead decided to rewrite D&D and Rolemaster.

The only redeeming thing about this "game" is that every day the demented, socially-retarded moron of a rape-obssessed shithead spent writing this nine hundred page epic was a day he couldn't use for stalking, killing, and skinning a runaway.

And the guy who wrote it claims to have an M.A. And to be a genius. And a historian. And... etc.

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posted by Ace at 02:02 PM

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