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July 07, 2006

The Ken Lay Murder Mystery

Come on, you knew this was coming, right?

In the comments at the very sophisticated, nuanced, layered Huffington Post:

I'm not convinced the guy is dead. It's not out of the realm of possibility that he may have gone "underground" as a retribute for being a loyal Ranger (multi-million $ GOP fundraiser) and dedicated Shrub-Acolyte.

Kenny Boy's probably sipping mimosa's on some beach in Bali right about now, or in post-op recovery from major plastic surgery to alter his appearance.

-- Know too much about the Bushies? Better watch your back. A potassium chloride dart can ruin your day.

-- Noo, the real question is, is he really dead at all, or has he been spirited away to a private island and an exile of luxury paid for by his ill-gotten gains?

Read it all. The only real debate seems to be whether Ken Lay was murdered by President Bush, or if his death was faked so he could live a life of luxury on the government's dime on some "tropical island" where they fashion makeshift radios out of coconuts and palm-leaves. (Presumably, this scheme involves murder as well; someone about Ken Lay's age and appearance would have to be killed in order to fill the "box" with the required body.)

Of course, no leftists can engage in lunatic conspiracy-theorizing without taking time out to pat themselves on the backs for their courage, vigiliance, and righetousness:

-- Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

I speculate that all of you frothing shut-ins are in dire need of getting seriously bent. Straight or gay sex, pity or paid sex. Doesn't matter.

It's science that when dudes don't get bent, bad chemicals collect and pool in their brain and cause them to do all sorts of crazy things-- rape, go on senseless murder sprees, stalk women, read the Huffington Post... really, some of the worst horrors imaginable.

Please, guys. Listen to the good Reverend Smock when he says "God has a vagina for every homosexual," and most likely every heterosexual too, which means, implausible as it may seem, that somewhere out there there is probably someone out there willing to take one for the team to chill you nutjobs the frick out.

As for the crazy chicks posting this crap: Well, you must just be really foul-looking, because just about any chick can get it if she's desperate enough. So, sadly, no cure for you, and you're basically doomed to a sad, lonely, Frischian existence.

Lifetime has some satisfying Meredith Baxter-Birney movies, though.

The Blog: Ken Lay Lives!

I'm not sure if it's a liberal blog or a conservative parody of a liberal blog.

Did the NY Post really run a headline suggesting we check the coffin to make sure he's in it? There's sensationalistic and funny-tacky and then there's just stupid.

Thanks to the Feisty one.

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posted by Ace at 09:11 PM

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