Pat Robertson, Divine Meteorologist

Check out this bold prediction, delivered straight from God Himself:

The Rev. Pat Robertson says God has told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

The founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network has told viewers of "The 700 Club" that the revelations came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8.

He added specifics in Wednesday's show.

"There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest," he said.

Okay. Let's unpack this:

1) Either storms will hit the American coasts in 2006 or there'll be a powerful tsunami that strikes the Pacific Northwest.

Ummm... yeah. Pat, I would say the likelihood of the former approaches 100%. Which makes it a retarded "prediction." It's a sort of a cover-your-ass prophecizin', ain't it?

"Well, God told me that we'd have 100 days of drought so bad that the earth would simply blow away in the wind like the skin from a corpse, and/or we'll have five or six really bad days of 'sticky heat' where you 'can't do a damned thing with your hair.'"

Or, "Keep it on the Q.T., but I was gabbing with God -- no big deal; mostly we were talking about what a letdown this year's 24 has been -- and He says that either we'll have 'rains and lightning' this summer and/or 'Hot Hail,' as seen in the film Flash Gordon."

Way to go out on a limb while covering the field, Pat.

2) What is this "possibly" shit? God doesn't deal in possiblies; God, like Sam Jackson, tells you how it's gonna be. Robertson fudges this by suggesting that maybe he just misheard God ("if I heard God right").

Is God a mumbler? I figure -- this is just me, mind you -- that God has a great big booming voice, not unlike Charlton Heston, without the overacting and scenery-chewing, and when God puts you some f'n' information, it's pretty damn clear.

Note we're not talking about a "feeling of God," which many people report, and which may be vaguely interpreted. Robertson is talking about God speaking to him in specific words and in specific terms about specific future events. I find it implausible that when God seeks to impart prophecy upon one of His agents, he does so in qualified, cover-His-ass possibilities or speaks unclearly like Benecio Del Toro in The Usual Suspects.

"What?"

"I say God'll flip ya."

"What?"

"I said God'll flip ya for real."

So: He's either a charlatan or a lunatic. I don't see any other possibilities.

posted by Ace at 10:04 PM

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