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March 07, 2006

Ace of Spades Exclusive: Jay Bennish's Geography Pop Quiz

You will have 10 minutes to complete this test. Please mark all answers clearly. You will be judged on your knowledge of world geography, of both the actual and "holistic" types.

1. What river did conquistador Hernando DeSoto discover?

a) The Mississippi River

b) The Missouri River

c) The Rio Grande

d) What river did he discover? Discover? As if there weren't a diverse and ecologocially-sensitive people living there for 5000 peaceful years of enlightened communal property sharing before. Yeah, kind of like Hitler "discovered" the Sudetenland, right? You know what I'm talkin' about.

2. Which of the following natural resources does the US have the least of?

a) Uranium

b) Gold

c) Forestland/Timber

d) Freedom. It's as precious as gold and as bright as diamonds, and that's the name of that tune. Instead of drilling in the Arctic for oil, Bush should be drilling in his own black heart for freedom, baby.

3. What separates England from continental Europe?

a) The Irish Sea

b) The English Channel

c) A history of promoting human slavery, both actual and constructive, in the form of the vicious capitalism imposed on the world by the cannons of British warships, and a jingoistic militaristic fascism in the form of a disgusting monarchy and repressive class system. You should write this shit in your notebook, kid. This is all pure gold I'm giving you here.

d) Both b and c, but mostly c. They got the Chunnel and shit now to bridge the first one.

4. I just sparked up before class and I've got a serious case of the munchies. Anyone have any Doritos, Ho-Ho's, or even Chuckles-brand licorice treats?

a) I've got Doritos (bring them up and grade your own test)

b) I've got Ho-Ho's (bring them up and choose your own grade for this semester)

c) I've got Chuckles (stay in your seat; I'm waitin' to see if someone has anything better; plus, those black ones taste like filth)

d) I've got a fresh cheesesteak sandwhich drippin' hot grease in my desk (meet me out in the parking lot and we'll share some cheestake and spleef; plus, you can have my sweet ride, a 1984 Chevette with a picture of Marvin the Martian in the hatchback window)

5. The film The Wall seems pretty incomprehensible, but it makes perfect sense if you watch it high.

a) Not really a question here.

b) I'm just sayin', I got really baked last night and the whole thing just really gelled for me.

c) Ralph McQaurrie's animations are really freaky and scary when you're high, though. Jesus! I swear, that one judge looks like a butt-hole or somethin'. I'm tellin' you, I think he's a giant dumper in a barrister's wig.

d) I guess no one has a cheesesteak, huh? Okay, how about those Chuckles?

Put down your pencils. Let's skip the test and go outside and lay in the sun and just "rap" about current events. Or other interesting topics, like if the universe really exists, or if it's just some magical vision dreamed by a cosmic unicorn.

I know I smell a cheesesteak. Who's holding out on me?

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posted by Ace at 12:02 AM

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