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February 17, 2006

It's That Kind of Day

The filth keeps pouring into my in-box. Believe me, I'd like to post something about the War on Terror or earmark reform. But when I get sent links like this, how can I refuse?

Beijing's Hottest Restaurant Serves Nothing But The Other, Other White Meat-- Penis

China's cuisine is renowned for being "in your face" --


-- from the skinned dogs at food markets to scorpion kebabs in street stalls - and there is no polite way of describing Guolizhuang.

Situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing's West Lake, it is China's first speciality penis restaurant.

Here, businessmen and government officials can sample the organs of yaks, donkeys, oxen and even seals. In fact, they have to, since they form part of every dish - except for those containing testicles.

"This is my third visit," said one customer, Liu Qiang. "Of course, there are other restaurants that serve the bian [penis] of individual animals. But this is the first that brings them all together."

Since it set up in November, a booking comes with a trained waitress and a nutritionist to explain the menu and its medicinal virtues.

In China, you are what you eat. Nutritionist Zhu Yan said the clients were mainly men eager to improve their yang, or virility. Women could benefit, too, she added, although she told a female photographer: "I wouldn't recommend the testicles. The testosterone might interfere in fertility. But many women say bian is good for the skin."

I know a lot girls who say that "bian" a couple of times a month helps clear up their acne, so I guess they may be on to something.

Some dishes seem unexceptional, such as the goat penis, sliced, dipped in flour, fried, and served skewered with soy sauce.

Unexceptional, that is, except for the fact you're eating a goat's schlong.

But others are showpieces, such as "Head crowned with a Jade Bracelet" (provided by horses from the western Muslim region of Xinjiang), for $A47, or "Dragon in the Flame of Desire" (yak, steamed whole, fried and flambeed) for $82.

Just the other day I was thought to myself, "You know what would really hit the spot? Buffalo wings. No-- wait. Yak cock."

For beginners, Ms Zhu recommended the hotpot, which offers a sampling of six types of penis, and four of testicle...

I think I had the "hotpot" when I got drunk while pledging Deke. I was in therapy for months.

The Russian dog was first. It was julienned, and rather gamey. The ox was the most recognisable, even though it had been diced. Its texture seemed identical to gristle.

They keep avoiding the word, but I want to be clear: we're talking about cock, here.

The deer [cock] and the Mongolian goat [cock] were surprisingly similar: a little stringy, they had the appearance and feel of overcooked squid tentacles. The Xinjiang horse [cock] and the donkey [cock] looked like bacon, the horse was light and fatty, while the donkey had a firm colour and taste. The testicles were slightly crumbly, and tasted better with lashings of the sesame, soy and chilli dips thoughtfully provided.

Canadian seal penis costs a hefty $517 and requires ordering in advance.

Which, in turn, requires knowing you'll be craving Canadian seal cock in advance. I don't know. That always seems like a spur-of-the-moment impulse buy to me, but maybe that's just my deal.

They don't name the restaurant in the article, but, just a stab in the dark here, I'm guessing "Wang's."

Thanks, I guess, to SWOOD.

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posted by Ace at 05:26 PM

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