Sponsored Content




Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!



Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

NoVaMoMe 2024: 06/08/2024
Arlington, VA
Details to follow


Texas MoMe 2024: 10/18/2024-10/19/2024 Corsicana,TX
Contact Ben Had for info





















« Space Shuttle Crash Proves Possibility of Panspermia, Or Life From The Stars? | Main | Photoshopped Romance-Novel Covers »
February 22, 2006

No Placating Here: "Contract Of Wifely Expectations" Specifies Spouse's Behavior

Bumped, in case you missed it last week. Everyone seems to be discovering this this week, so...

Pretty funny.


Eric, who sends it, says it would have even Chris Klein saying "Woah, dude, chill out. This is a human being you're talking about here."

Pardon the ungrammatical constructions, which are in the original; I've done some light correcting for clarity. He's not exactly a genius. Although, in ways, this contract does show flashes of true brilliance.

My-Time

Whenever we are at home and alone as a family, from when your are to be naked until 12:00am or for three hours, whichever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be time you will devout solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner.

May or may not be sexual in manner? Anyone want to lay money against "may"? I'm taking all the action you guys will give me on that one.

...

During My-Time You WILL NOT:

1) Argue about anything with me or to me.

2) Compain about anything to me me, or about me.

3) Cry, sob, whine, or pout.

4) Sigh, moan, sulk, or other wise show displeasure or unhappiness.

5) Raise your voice at or to me.

6) Be condescending to, or about me.

7) As for anything from me or for me.

8) Be distracted from me, by other things.


During My-Time you WILL:

1) Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient.

2) To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how your are asked.

3) Be cheerful and adoring towards me.

4) Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to.

5) Perform any and all sexual acts... [specific acts ommitted, but use your imagination... suffice to say he's not talking about getting to first base. More like getting to fifth and sixth base, if you know what I'm sayin']

He says "excluding" certain acts in that last bit, but I'm pretty sure he means "including."

He notes that if the couple is not alone during "My Time," she is allowed to wear her clothes, and may speak openly, but all other restrictions still apply. I wonder if Number 5 still applies. A lawyer would really have to look over this document for problems.

Dressing Up [which for some reason is in a cutesy cursive header-font]

For special events that we are to dress up for, when we are going to someone else's house... your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:

Panties are optional and need not be worn [a little liberty!]
Only thigh-highs and garter-- no pantyhose
If you are not wearing thigh-highs & garter, then no panties
[this is great...]
All skirts no lower than two inches below the knee (unless its for Church)

Unless it's for Church. Well! At least he's a man of propriety.

He also defines "Good Behavior Days." GDB's are days upon which his wife/prisoner acts according to the rules, and she can redeem them for days upon which she can be more lax in observing the rules.

And Photos. "You are to to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand, unless your quota is filled. Outfits and poses will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shave on the the day that photos are taken regardless of your shaving schedule."

It's all good. One matrimonial innovation after another.

My only problem is that this "contract" seeks to specify in legal-esque language what should be, for any woman, just common sense behavior anyway.

I mean, does any woman really need "My Time" spelled out for you? Or Good Behavior Days? Or specified naked hours?

Come on. Your parents raised you better than that.


digg this
posted by Ace at 09:57 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Wolfus Aurelius, Dreaming of Elsewhere [/i] [/b]: "Morning, insomaniacals! I actually slept about en ..."

Braenyard: "Stefanie Lambert, an election integrity attorney w ..."

Epobirs: "The offending file(s) will usually make itself obv ..."

Epobirs: "Max Gail (Wojo) is apparently still around. He has ..."

Braenyard: "I don't mind renaming a file but going through 50 ..."

Epobirs: "New Tricks was more a more conventional police pro ..."

Epobirs: "I've usually gotten around the problem by copying ..."

Jim[/i][/b][/s][/u]: "New Tricks was the Brit version of Barney Miller, ..."

irongrampa: "Sitting here listening to music, mostly oldies tha ..."

publius, Rascally Mr. Miley (w6EFb): ">> says you have 3 files with names too long for ..."

Epobirs: "New Tricks was on a lot longer than that. 2003-201 ..."

Braenyard: "Those 4bbl Holley's are light on the gas if you're ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64