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February 22, 2006

No Placating Here: "Contract Of Wifely Expectations" Specifies Spouse's Behavior

Bumped, in case you missed it last week. Everyone seems to be discovering this this week, so...

Pretty funny.


Eric, who sends it, says it would have even Chris Klein saying "Woah, dude, chill out. This is a human being you're talking about here."

Pardon the ungrammatical constructions, which are in the original; I've done some light correcting for clarity. He's not exactly a genius. Although, in ways, this contract does show flashes of true brilliance.

My-Time

Whenever we are at home and alone as a family, from when your are to be naked until 12:00am or for three hours, whichever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be time you will devout solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner.

May or may not be sexual in manner? Anyone want to lay money against "may"? I'm taking all the action you guys will give me on that one.

...

During My-Time You WILL NOT:

1) Argue about anything with me or to me.

2) Compain about anything to me me, or about me.

3) Cry, sob, whine, or pout.

4) Sigh, moan, sulk, or other wise show displeasure or unhappiness.

5) Raise your voice at or to me.

6) Be condescending to, or about me.

7) As for anything from me or for me.

8) Be distracted from me, by other things.


During My-Time you WILL:

1) Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient.

2) To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how your are asked.

3) Be cheerful and adoring towards me.

4) Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to.

5) Perform any and all sexual acts... [specific acts ommitted, but use your imagination... suffice to say he's not talking about getting to first base. More like getting to fifth and sixth base, if you know what I'm sayin']

He says "excluding" certain acts in that last bit, but I'm pretty sure he means "including."

He notes that if the couple is not alone during "My Time," she is allowed to wear her clothes, and may speak openly, but all other restrictions still apply. I wonder if Number 5 still applies. A lawyer would really have to look over this document for problems.

Dressing Up [which for some reason is in a cutesy cursive header-font]

For special events that we are to dress up for, when we are going to someone else's house... your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:

Panties are optional and need not be worn [a little liberty!]
Only thigh-highs and garter-- no pantyhose
If you are not wearing thigh-highs & garter, then no panties
[this is great...]
All skirts no lower than two inches below the knee (unless its for Church)

Unless it's for Church. Well! At least he's a man of propriety.

He also defines "Good Behavior Days." GDB's are days upon which his wife/prisoner acts according to the rules, and she can redeem them for days upon which she can be more lax in observing the rules.

And Photos. "You are to to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand, unless your quota is filled. Outfits and poses will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shave on the the day that photos are taken regardless of your shaving schedule."

It's all good. One matrimonial innovation after another.

My only problem is that this "contract" seeks to specify in legal-esque language what should be, for any woman, just common sense behavior anyway.

I mean, does any woman really need "My Time" spelled out for you? Or Good Behavior Days? Or specified naked hours?

Come on. Your parents raised you better than that.


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posted by Ace at 09:57 PM

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