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February 15, 2006

Top Ten Islamist Grievances Against Western Fast Food Companies

10. Sura 27, Verse 9: "Do not trust a polysterene clamshell that lies to say it keeps the 'hot side hot, and the cool side cool.' This is abomination."

9. Sura 4, Verse 18: "'Have it your way?' By what arrogance does this Burger 'King' presume to rule? There is only one King, and he is Allah, and you will have it His way, or you will have your feet struck off by a sword."

8. Sura 9, Verse 3: "You may eat of chicken, but not in 'McNugget' or 'Tender' form. Such are the eating habits of the polytheists, who prefer their chicken in the manifold forms of their tripartite false god."

7. Sura 43, Verse 2: "Regarding Wendy's: Burgers are round, not square. 'Nuff said. Don't even get The Prophet started on White Castle."

6. Sura 22, Verse 17: "And Satan sent upon the Earth a Deceiver to lead the believers into apostacy and wickeness, and that Deceiver had a name: the Grimmace. And he was served by bizarre demons called 'the Fry Guys.'"

5. From a 1999 audiotape by bin Ladin: "And do not forget they betrayal of Acre, when Saladin's noble warriors were defeated by the infidel crusader Colonel Sanders, who burned my people at the stake, women and children alike, burning them both regular and Extra Crispy."

4. Sura 19, Verse 12: "What's the deal with those nasty pickles in McDondald's hamburgers? Seriously, is there anyone who doesn't immediately just take those vile cucumber chips and toss them on their Riddles & Mazes tray-paper? Why do they even bother? And what genius got the idea to put cheese on a Filet O Fish? Most likely, it was the Jews, who are insidious and crafty."

3. From terror-apologist Edward Said's Occidentalism: "The drive for Western imperialistic hegemony is in full flower at Bennigan's, with its American kitsch decor and Nachos Grande platters and Wings & Things and their Ultimate Tater Skins. Plus, I had a Death By Chocloate there one time, and it went right to my hips. I should have just smeared it on my thighs and cut out the middle-man."

2. Sura 11, Verse 15: "Taco Bell dispenses guacamole and sour cream in grease-guns. Doesn't this kind of bother anyone else? Or is it just me? Wait, I'm the Prophet. It must bother you too. It is thusly commanded."

...and the Number One Islamic Grievance Against American Fast Food Companies...

1. Sura 14, Verse 5: "Ronald McDonald's real name? Ronald Goldfarb. I think you see where the Prophet is heading with this."

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posted by Ace at 11:32 AM

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