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December 29, 2005

Ace's Application For An Austrian Artistic Grant

Lieblings Herren und Frauen,

Guten Tag.

I would like to apply for a grant in the amount of 1.2 million Euros to create "edgy," politically-themed art about America, the European Union, and the War on Terror.

I have no artistic abilities whatsoever, but that doesn't seem to be disqualifier for you guys. I can do some photoshopping, or, more likely, outsource such work to Allah or Slublog. (Please don't tell them I'm being paid 1.2 million Euros. I plan to pay them in bite-sized Twix bars and old issues of Guns & Ammo.)

My "concepts" for the campaign are not fully fleshed out, but here are some ideas.

1) A photoshopped depiction of George Bush on a rearing bronco, lassoing a group of terrified brown-skinned people. The brown skinned people will be labled, as in an editorial cartoon, "Our Precious Civil Liberties." That way the picture works on two levels, even though, quite frankly, one of those levels doesn't even make much sense.

George Bush will also be naked. You guys seem to like that.

2) A photoshop of Tony Blair put into a the famous Hugh Grant/hooker picture. But here's the brilliant twist-- Tony Blair will be playing the role of the hooker. His head will be ducked down beneath the dashboard so you can't actually see him, but again, an editorial caption will point to him and say "Tony Blair, Prostitute."

Oh, and Hugh Grant will be replaced by George Bush.

This may seem a little confusing but, hey, you've got Tony Blair going down on George Bush, which seems to be right up your alley.

George Bush will also be naked, again. The license plate on the car will read "The Fascist Emperor Has No Clothes." I'm not sure how to fit that on a license plate, but I'm sure Slublog can figure it out.

3) A parody of the pro-life lobby's "Chose Life" campaign. The billboard will have the words "CHOOSE DEATH" in dripping bloody letters, and the visual will be of an aborted fetus. The fetus will be photoshopped to look like a brown-skinned man between the ages of 25 and 40.

He will also be naked. Not really a political point made with the nudity there; it's just that fetuses don't wear clothes.

4) A photoshop of Keira Knightly going down on Kate Winslet. This is more a personal interest than a political statement. Though, if you're going to be sticklers about it, I can have body-paint on Keira Knightly reading "Bush's Foreign Policy" and body paint on Kate Winslet reading "The Military-Petroleum Complex."

Both will definitely be naked.

If this seems a little over-the-line, I can just have them pillow fighting or, maybe, comparing breast sizes. But I will not compromise my artistic vision any further.

5) A "conceptual mass-guerilla performance art" sort of display, in which I give out baseball caps to European citizens with slogans like "I Really Do Matter" and "Europe: The Fifth Most Important Continent On Earth," in order to boost support Europeans' self-esteem. I've seen them give out similar esteem-boosting baseball caps to retards, and the retards seem to just love them. Sometimes they try to eat the hats, but most of the time they wear them proudly (until they try to eat them).

I'm pretty sure that no more than 30% of European citizens will try to eat the hats, so I really think this one could be a winner.

I hope you give my edgy, controversial, authority-challenging ideas the due consideration they deserve. And I hope I can count on that 1.2 million Euro check in the near future, because I really want to get a widescreen LCD HDTV. And also, some live-in whores.

Thank you very much.

Auf widersehen,

Ace of Spades

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posted by Ace at 02:44 PM

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