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December 08, 2005
"Landmark" Study: Women Need FriendsAnother huge advance in science. This ranks right up there with the double-helix. Friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this is a female writer writing for a female audience. What, couldn't work Haagen-Dazs and Desperate Housewives into your thesis sentence? They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage and help us remember who we really are. And sometimes, when we're writing utter pap, they reassuringly coo to us "That's really quite good. I like the use of the words 'soothe' and 'tumultuous.'" But they may do even more than that. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our girlfriends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience daily. "Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an assistant professor of biobehavioral health at Pennsylvania State University in State College and also one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers. Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just "fight or flight." In fact, according to Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the "fight or flight" response and encourages her to tend to her children and gather with other women instead. This reverses 100 years of sociological research suggesting that women are responsible for 88% of all broken-beer-bottle barfights. Coming Soon: Study suggests that lack of food before 2pm causes women to become "demonstrably cranky." Thanks to Allah. Another Breakthrough: Men get irrationally aggressive when stressed: Finally, an explanation for why bar bets sometimes escalate into bar fights: Levels of a "high-octane" form of testosterone soar when men think others don't trust them. Finally! Indeed. I've oftened wondered why men can get out of hand quickly. Now I know it's due to this heretofore unknown hormone called -- what was the spelling? -- "testosterone." Economist Paul Zak of the Claremont Graduate University in Southern California said scientists have known for years that aggressive behavior in animals is sparked by elevated testosterone (which is present in men and women, though women have significantly smaller amounts). For example, testosterone levels have been shown to spike upward in both sexes before an athletic match as contestants psych themselves up. Shut up, really? ... Again... you could have polled 100 car-dealers about this and spared yourself the trouble, guys. Yet Another Jaw-Dropper: Study "suggests" brain wired to drive for reproduction. Yes, you can read all these shocking scientific discoveries in the new quarterly, New England Journal of Retard-Science. Again thanks to Allah.
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Monday Overnight Open Thread - January 20, 2025 [Doof]
Invasion of the Apple Snatchers Cafe At Last Night's Rally, Trump Was Joined on the Stage By His Strongest Totally-Not-Gay Supporters Quick Hits Surprise: Defender of Normzzz and Protector of the Criminal FBI Pardons Terrorist Who Murdered Two FBI Agents Quick Update on "Team DeLulu" Cope Border Patrol Trucks Are En Route to the Southern Border Elections Have Consequences: The TSA Official Who Put Tulsi Gabbard on the Terrorist Watch List Has Been Fired The Inaugural Ceremonies, Continued "A Revolution of Common Sense:" Trump's Inaugural Address "For Americans, January 20, 2025 is Liberation Day." Search
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