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December 05, 2005

Sunday Night Celebrity Interview (Bumped Because It's Just That Good)

“I try to treat all women with respect whether they’re pretty or ugly.”

That’s the high-minded philosophy of Hollywood actor and self-professed "Alpha Heterosexual” Chris Klein. He laid that on us in his “Where the hell was my f'in handler? Why did he let me say that?” interview in this months Elle.

I have a new hero and you will too. Just read, bitch. And don’t make me tell you again about the teeth.

ELLE: If you could play only one album to woo women, what would it be?

CHRIS KLEIN: I've been lucky enough that I don't need music for that.

ELLE: Is there a dish that you prepare to impress women?

CK: I don't need food to impress, man. It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food.

ELLE: What's the one thing you could tell a woman to convince her that you aren't Paul, the thick jock you played in Election?

CK: “Hello.”

ELLE: This would convince her?

CK: Absolutely. You start making eyes across the room. Right then it's not a Paul Metzler situation. It's a predator-prey situation.

ELLE: Have you always been this confident?

CK: I grew into myself fairly late. The first girl I was ever with, you know, kissing and getting blow jobs, I was a freshman in high school and she was a senior. And she was hot too, by the way.

ELLE: When would have been a better time to start? Fifth grade?

CK: It's just that right at that moment, I didn't really get it. But she showed me the ropes, and I took it from there.

ELLE: Is there a common misconception that you feel you need to correct when you're with a woman?

CK: If there is and they don't get it right away, they're gone.

ELLE: Is there anything you don't want women to learn about you?

CK: Nothing. I don't have many secrets. At the same time, I stay very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely.

ELLE: Isn't it tough for a woman to figure you out if you won't talk?

CK: Hey, man, I'm not here to hold hands and babysit. She's got to come to the table with something.

ELLE: Any weaknesses in relationships?

CK: Trying to control the situation. You have to give her enough credit to let her take the reins once in a while. But if it's a two-week spark-off, f--k it. Have a blast and fizzle out. It can be just as fun.

ELLE: How do you extricate yourself from these “spark-offs”?

CK: I don't placate. I tell 'em straight up.

ELLE: Let's pretend we're dating. What do you say to get rid of me?

CK: You and I are definitely not dating. Role-playing is fun and all, but you're a dude and I'm an alpha heterosexual.

ELLE: You're an actor, for God's sake! Pretend.

CK: How hot are you?

ELLE: I'm a solid 7.5.

CK: I only date 8 to 10s.

ELLE: What's the worst thing a woman has ever said to you?

CK: “You're an asshole.” The time it really hurt was when a stranger said it. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, “Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.”

ELLE: Are you cool with it if a woman you like gains a few pounds?

CK: I'm not tolerant of that at all.

ELLE: So do you tell them to lose weight?

CK: When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no.

ELLE: Don't you think they're just looking for you to say, “You look beautiful to me, honey”?

CK: If they do, it's placating. I don't placate.

ELLE: Who's “the one that got away”?

CK: Every beautiful actress I've ever worked with. I've got this policy that you don't sleep with them; it complicates stuff. So it's the Heather Grahams, the Rebecca Romijns, the Mena Suvaris, and the Leelee Sobieskis of the world. They all got away.

ELLE: There's a lot on the Web about your being a devout Christian.

CK: That's because I went to Texas Christian University.

ELLE: So it's not as chaste as people might think?

CK: There you can be as dirty or as clean as you want to be. The ratio at TCU was three women to one man. It's an expensive school, full of daddy's little girls. I liked it when they called me Daddy. And they did, too, because they were all hungry.

ELLE: If you assembled all the women you've ever slept with in a room, what would they say about you?

CK: “We ended on good terms.”

ELLE: If you had to commit to the number of women you'd like to sleep with before you marry, how many would it be?

CK: I think that for every dude the number is massive, and it just takes that one chick to punch you in the face, and all of a sudden you're walking down the aisle, whether you like it or not.

ELLE: Speaking of marriage, why did your engagement to Katie Holmes end?

CK: We both came to realize that it had run its course. We started dating when we were 20. We had an absolute ball, but we grew up. There's no reason to fight that.

ELLE: Do you feel like you'll ever be friends?

CK: Are we friends? Absolutely. Do we talk? No.

ELLE: Do you follow coverage of her engagement to Tom Cruise?

CK: No way. I've got fantasy football to play.

Wise words.

Chris Klein, much like AoSHQ hero, Pat O’Brien, “Gets it.”

God bless you, Chris Klein.

(h/t Ohnotheydidn’t )

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posted by Dr. Reo Symes at 03:38 PM

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