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November 01, 2005

Top Ten Other Changes To Soccer Demanded By Maniac Imams

(Suggested by Adolfo Velasquez)

10. Do not play football with a round 'ball' as the Jew-loving pig heretics do. Play, instead, with a cone or, better yet, a cube, like our beloved black borg cube at Mecca. (from Adolfo)

9. He who shall touch, deflect, or stop a ball with his hand, and who is not a "goalie," shall have his offending hand struck off by a sword and burned upon the field to cleanse the insult given. Also, the other team shall be allowed a penalty kick. The kick shall be spotted from the place of flaming severed hand.

8. Do not wear Addidas, for they are the Devil's athletic footwear.

7. You will not follow the Western Jew manner of accounting for points. Upon the scoring of the first goal, a team shall be said to have one point. Upon the scoring of their second goal, a team will be said to have nine points. Upon the scoring of their third goal, a team will said to have two points. And upon scoring a fourth or further goal, a team will have zero points, for they are wasting time that could be better spent raving in the streets about something or other.

6. A goalie may stop a ball with his hand, or a big-ass Ali Baba scimitar. If he cuts the ball neatly in half, the opponent who kicked the ball must forfeit all of his goats and daughters to him.

5. "Time outs" are for infidels, and homosexuals, and/or infidel homosexuals. Anyone calling a "time out" should immediately be stoned to death, for they are an abomination. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a coffee break in the middle of play, so long as all parties agree they could do with a pick-me-up.

4. Wear not cleats, for they are the traction-enhancing contrivance of the disobedient and corrupt. Allah likes watching grown men slide their asses all over a wet soccer field. It makes Him giggle.

3. If a man should commit a personal foul against you, play will stop immediately. Both he who hath given offense and he who hath been offended shall be brought over a pool of acid, upon a wooden beam eight inches across; and they shall fight to the death using spears and pole-axes, while that cool battle music from Star Trek plays. Allah likes Star Trek, at least the first series, before they "fagged it all up."

2. Both teams shall attempt to score only in one direction-- towards Mecca. The confusion this will cause will almost certainly result in chaos, violence and rioting, but this is Good, for this is more or less what you should be out doing anyhow.

...and the Number One Other Change To Soccer Demanded By Maniac Imams...

1. Only one "football song" is permitted to be chanted at matches, and all teams shall chant the same song. That song is Two of Hearts by Stacey Q., for it has a funky beat and a nasty groove, and she's pretty hot for a kuffar pig-monkey demon.

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posted by Ace at 09:02 PM

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