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October 19, 2005

NYT's Profits Drop 52%


Top Ten Proposals Being Considered To Boost NYT's Falling Profits

10. Gain income from the Times' attempts to right itself by filming PBS series about restructuring at the paper hosted by Bob Villa, titled This Old Media

9. Play to the leftist audience by allowing Paul Krugman one column per week which is completely (rather than mostly) unedited and un-fact-checked; run promotional campaign featuring pitchline "Thursdays are Crazy-Days!!!"

8. Make Bob Herbert's columns more relevant and interesting by forcing him to use a Mad-Libs book for his screeds; readers will take delight in reading about Cinderella's "three NEOCON sisters" who force her to "UNILATERALLY OVERTHROW SOVEREIGN GOVERNMENTS" and who can best be described as "FASCIST" and "STINKY"

7. Put popular NYTimes Forum commenters behind the TimesSelect pay-per-view wall; people will eagerly shell out $25 to read the unhinged ramblings of "ProgressiveAvenger" and "DataNinja77"

6. Emulate the NY tabloids by running frequent contests and give-aways; readers who win the TimesBingo! contest will either receive a collection of books-on-tape by Susan Sonntag or Win a Dream Date With Frank Rich

5. New promotional campaign: Every Bit As Exciting As PBS, Except Without Dinosaur Shows and the Boston Pops!

4. Rejuvenate interest in Maureen Dowd by simple policy: everytime she drops a juvenile reference to a tv series on HBO or Showtime, she has to "show raw nip"

3. Finally admit that urban liberal media professionals only care about what other urban liberal media professionals think; henceforth, polls will only ask questions of employees of People For The American Way, the Washington Monthly, Mother Jones Magazine, and the rhythm section of Outkast

2. Appease readers by declaring 2005 through 2008 to be "rebuilding seasons;" promise to strengthen the paper through the draft and free-agent pick-ups

...and the Number One Proposal Being Considered To Boost the NYTimes' Falling Profits...

1. New managing editor in chief: Vinne Fuckin' Falcone

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posted by Ace at 01:23 PM

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