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Lion vs. Bear | Main | Top Ten Requirements For Employment With Al Qaeda
October 07, 2005

Last Day: Bad Poetry Slam!

Bumped. Contest closes Friday at midnight ET.

Inspired by LaurW, I'm starting an actual contest (yes, there will be winners) for Bad Poetry.

Like pornography, I can't define Bad Poetry, but I know it when I see it. It usually starts with lines like "The empty page mocks me" or shit like that.

Bad Poetry will be judged according to various criteria:

1) In-your-face pretentiousness.

2) Obscure allusions, bad similies, strained metaphors, and "edgy" personifications ("the wheezing sky spits lugies of disdain").

3) Gratuitous mentions of left-wing causes, especially those that are highly dated, like "No nukes" or "In Praise of the Sandanistas."

4) A pathetic, overly-personal, "Too much information" sort of confessional style.

5) Cutesy crap you should have grown out of in eighth grade, like obvious rhymes and writing in all lower-case letters like E. E. Cummings. (Yeah, I capitalized it. Grow up.)

6) General fagginess.

Here's the thing: good Bad Poetry has to be sort of on the level, kind of deadpan. It has to almost be believable as an actual attempt to write a "good" poem. Although there may be a separate category for poems that are just so over-the-top horrible they'll get a special award.

The first nominee is:

Saw a garden, overrun with weeds. I said, not me.
Through Spring I smothered and plucked them.
In Summer my garden was blooming brilliant.
But in the slumberous warmth the weeds got ahead of me.
Have I got the will, in this heat? Oh, let them go to seed
And sleep with me under the snow
Chancing some Spring awakening!

Not In My Name! Yes, you can write a bad poem and attribute it to someone else. Though you'll want to note the actual author if you want a shot at the Ace of Spades prizepool.

Is Flaming Allowed? Of course.

Thanks... To Slublog, who suggested the pretentious factor would be increased twofold if I called it a "Slam!" So I've done so.

digg this
posted by Ace at 12:33 PM

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