Sponsored Content
« NYT's Public Editor Continues Being a Dick | Main | Senator Frist and "Insider Trading." A Primer on This Week's Scandal »
September 24, 2005

The Dog, in Bible Speak

I feel close to you people. Because I'm a retard. But I digress; let me tell you about my evening tonight.

Lauraw stood upon the porch and bade Dog to Come In from his Travels.
Dog came and he was Praised.
Lauraw looked upon him and she saw that he was Fine. She Toucheth him for comfort and was rebuked; there was a black tar upon him. She smelt it upon her Hand and knew it was Shit (Yea Verily, for Dogs rolleth in Shit like it's fucking cotton candy).

Lauraw ran into the house and cried out, but her husband would not come forth. Then she Knew that she would Have to Do it Her-Fucking-Selfeth.

Towels and Hot water she brought forth, Soap and blood-curdling curses. She enticed Dog with Cookies, but he smelteth the soap and with the Power of Satan which yet abode in his hairs, made himself Very Small.

But Lauraw Saw him; she was Wise to the Devil’s tricks and seized Dog upon the Neck, and soapethed him and cursethed him, alternately. Roughly, and Loudly. Eth.

Dog felt the waters and he Knew he was Bad. And then he knew he was Clothed in both Shame and Shit. And, yea! verily, did his ears recede and his pate grow long; and Yea! did his Eyes grow Big, and they did beseecheth Lauraw for mercy, with the clever guiles of Satan.

But Lauraw, yet cursing in many tongues, cleansed him and baptized him in clean waters and drew out Satan’s black-sticky-fucking What the Fuck Animal IS this Shit From Taint of Shame.
And when she was done, she saw that It was Good.

But Dog still skulked around the House like a guilty jerk afterwards anyway.

digg this
posted by Laura. at 10:52 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
mikeski: "[i]What are the other songs that guitar stores don ..."

Quarter Twenty : "Is it a movie thread yet? ..."

SFGoth: "I got rid of my Cerwin-Vegas too.... They weren't ..."

G'rump928(c) : "[i]What are the other songs that guitar stores don ..."

Thesokorus: "Waylon is the man. I don't know any songs of his t ..."

rhennigantx: "Glenn Campbell was a genius. All you have to do, t ..."

mikeski: "[i]I am a fan of cello played like a guitar. Post ..."

Christopher R Taylor [/i][/i][/s][/s][/b][/b][/u][/u]: "What are the other songs that guitar stores don't ..."

rhennigantx: " Taliban successfully eradicates poppy cultivation ..."

Howdy: "[i]Yeah he does boilerplate country, I meant the a ..."

Mississippi State fans : "*Yeah, that's good, but I gotta have more cowbell. ..."

Way, Way Downriver [/i]: "[i]I am a fan of cello played like a guitar.[/i] ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64