The Dog, in Bible Speak

I feel close to you people. Because I'm a retard. But I digress; let me tell you about my evening tonight.

Lauraw stood upon the porch and bade Dog to Come In from his Travels.
Dog came and he was Praised.
Lauraw looked upon him and she saw that he was Fine. She Toucheth him for comfort and was rebuked; there was a black tar upon him. She smelt it upon her Hand and knew it was Shit (Yea Verily, for Dogs rolleth in Shit like it's fucking cotton candy).

Lauraw ran into the house and cried out, but her husband would not come forth. Then she Knew that she would Have to Do it Her-Fucking-Selfeth.

Towels and Hot water she brought forth, Soap and blood-curdling curses. She enticed Dog with Cookies, but he smelteth the soap and with the Power of Satan which yet abode in his hairs, made himself Very Small.

But Lauraw Saw him; she was Wise to the Devil’s tricks and seized Dog upon the Neck, and soapethed him and cursethed him, alternately. Roughly, and Loudly. Eth.

Dog felt the waters and he Knew he was Bad. And then he knew he was Clothed in both Shame and Shit. And, yea! verily, did his ears recede and his pate grow long; and Yea! did his Eyes grow Big, and they did beseecheth Lauraw for mercy, with the clever guiles of Satan.

But Lauraw, yet cursing in many tongues, cleansed him and baptized him in clean waters and drew out Satan’s black-sticky-fucking What the Fuck Animal IS this Shit From Taint of Shame.
And when she was done, she saw that It was Good.

But Dog still skulked around the House like a guilty jerk afterwards anyway.

posted by Laura. at 10:52 PM

| Access Comments