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August 05, 2005

H.S. Coach (and Science Teacher) Reprimanded... For Licking Players' Bleeding Wounds

Two years' probation. For licking the bleeding wounds of minors. Repeatedly.

This science teacher will also have to attend classes on the dangers of blood-borne pathogens (and saliva-borne pathogens as well, I suppose).

Because, I guess, he's never heard of malaria. Or, you know, AIDS.

Several students say he was "just joking around."

Content Warning.


Like the other day I'm hanging out with my friend Stinky. We're both eating lunch at Starbucks, and are enjoying the budget-priced $18.00 eggplant panini.

He bends over to slip his laptop back into its case. I reach my hand up his shorts and begin fondling his dirty, sweaty balls.

He looks at me like I've got three heads.

"Dude," I say, "I'm sooo totally joking around."

"Oh," he chuckles, as I continue pumping his jockey-plums. "At first I didn't get it. Now I see it's kind of 'witty'."

"Totally," I say. "And later on I'm going to rape you with an avacado."

Again, the strange look.

"Joking!" I say again, and he laughs. I add, "But I really am going to rape you with an avacado."

"You're such a kidder," he says as we exit, my hand still up his shorts, extending the "comedy riff" for as long as possible. I stealthily slip the avacodo out of my backpack and into my right hand.

"Just joking around." Hey, it works.

Thanks to Dave in Texas, or, as I call him, "Stinky."

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posted by Ace at 01:09 PM

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