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August 02, 2005

The Talented Mr. Kim: Pens Operas, Possesses A Photographic Memory, Shoots Eleven Holes-In-One In Single Round of Golf

Truly we are doomed if our enemy is led by a real-life Superman such as this.

You want to know the sort of madhouse that is North Korea? Just read this nonsense, dutifully dissemenated by North Korea's state-operated press.

And this article doesn't even mention the fact that this lunatic actually kidnaps Japanese filmmakers and forces them to make giant-monster movies from the idiotic scripts he's written.

Oh, and did I mention he claims to have shot one round of golf finishing with the rather-good score of thirty-eight under par?

Time for a re-post.

Top Ten Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishments

10. Swam the English Channel in twelve minutes flat, using dolphin-flop swimming technique he taught Patrick Duffy when he starred in The Man From Atlantis

9. Noted weightlifter credited with numerous training innovations; believed to be the first man who ever spotted someone bench-pressing while screaming "You gotta WANT it! PUSH! PUSH IT!!!!" with his nards dangling in the other guy's face

8. Nailed Christina Aguilera, before she caught that bad case of the skankies-- you know, back when it meant something

7. World-renown philosopher most famous for sublime Buddhist aphorism, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it"

6. Powered the New York Mets to their 1986 World Series title under the alias "Mookie" Wilson

5. Innovator of new X-Game craze, Extreme Bowling

4. Gold Medalist and reigning champion in "North Korean Triathalon" (run 26.6 miles, bike 110 miles, kick 60 political prisoners in their faces)

3. Insists he could enter and win the Tour de France, "if he felt like it"

2. Briefly married to Juice "Playin' With the Queen of Hearts" Newton

...and the Number One Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishment...

1. According to official state bio, is a champion-level boxer; has defeated Muhammed Ali, Evander Holyfield, and "Thunderlips" from Rocky III


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posted by Ace at 02:22 PM

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