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May 04, 2005

Pat O'Brien Thread

Okay, I'm actually meeting a friend for early drinks and then probably late-night drunkeness, so I won't be able to watch this Superbowl of Tearful Confessionals live.

Damn it all. Friends suck.

I have invited a few secret guests to guest live-blog the event for me... I won't say who. I don't even know if they'll accept. But if any of them do, hopefully they'll add a bit of filthy snark to this thread below.

CAUTION: Anyone who clicks to read the extension of this entry is just asking for trouble.

Live-blogging fun has begun. . .

As that black guy said in Superman II, "Man, this is gonna be good."


[Dave] Hey everybody, Dave from Garfield Ridge here. Ace threw this shin-dig together at the very last moment, so I may or may not be joined by additional friendly commentators. Since Ace asked me to help out, I must conclude that he started drinking early.

Either way, alone or with others, I plan on bringing you the filthiest nasty-talk this side of the Clinton Administration.

I just hope this works. I really want it badly. I am really just so fucking hot for this to work out.

[Dave] I'm watching what amounts to the "pre-game," Entertainment Tonight. I admit, I don't watch American Idol, but after seeing Paula Abdul, I'm waiting for her face to slide off her skull. Seriously, she used to be kinda hot; now she looks like something M.C. Skat Kat dropped.

[Allah] I want two things from this freakshow: tears, and a photo of Betsy.

Anything less is a failure.
[Allah] Realizing that he's not going to get anything juicy out of Pat, Dr. Phil decides to go to Plan B and just embarrass the shit out of him by making him sit there and listen to the tapes while the camera rolls.

[Dave] Quote from Dr. Phil: “You’re talking about “Let’s go get some hookers and some coke and go crazy.”

Man, I need that wav file.

[Dave] Pat’s sorry.

Oh well, I was kinda holding out the slim hope that he’d own up to everything and say that if he had to do it all over again, he would.

[Dave] Quote from Pat: “Without trust, you are dead in this town.”

You know what else you need in this town? A girl to eat out Betsy. And a Tony Montana-sized mound of Bolivian white.
[Dave] A weekend of fun, a weekend of drinking, which turned into craziness. Now, that’s my kind of weekend. Not the kind of weekend I live, but hey, I can live through Pat.

He ties one on during Sunday afternoons. Nice!

“Cocaine trumps everything.”

"I was loaded out of my mind."

[Dave] Wow. These poor celebrities really have a lot of drug problems. I’m so glad I’m only high on life. Well, okay—High Life.

Same difference, at least in court.

[Allah] Sorry for the momentary glitch. I don't do this for a living.

[Allah] They're talking about the Internet now. PLAY THE MASH-UP.

[Dave] “On that particular night, I was out of control.”

Dr. Phil doesn’t buy that Pat was drunk. Hey Doc, some people just aren’t sloppy drunks.

4 Glasses of wine, 2 bottles of champagne, a little coke. Fuck, did he forget to take the fish paralyzer?

[Dave] Dr. Phil: “What is your opinion of women?”

Pat should have said, I’m so into women, Phil. They make me so fucking hot.

Because they do.

[Dave] A half-hour into it. . . Where the fuck is Betsy? I want to see Betsy. I want to fuck Betsy. She makes me so hot. I want to watch Betsy suck Pat’s cock.

For research, of course.

[Allah] Dr. Phil wonders if this incident fatally damages Pat's professional judgment, tells Pat to just "wink or nod at me or something" if he agrees.

[Allah] They bleeped Betsy's name when the tapes were played, so I doubt we're getting a photo. And the greasy fucker's nowhere near tears. What a debacle.

[Allah] Credit to Dr. Phil -- he's not softballing him. He's asking him now about his alleged use of homophobic and racist slurs, which O'B denies, and his long-term drug use.

The teaser for the next clip has Pat talking about his son, so maybe we'll see a few drops after all. C'mon, bitch. Cry.

[Dave] Yeah, this is kinda lame. The interview, not the liveblogging-- that kicks ass.

I love how Dr. Phil mentions how people are "outraged."

Bemused, sure. Curious? You bet.

But outrage? Over this? Are you kidding me? Doesn't Dr. Phil know there's a war on?

[Allah] CBS won't give us Betsy, but See-Dubya will: here's a photo.

[Dave] Wow, thanks See-Dubya, Betsy *is* hot. I am so into Besty. I wish Pat would eat her out right in front of Dr. Phil.

For ratings, of course.

[Dave] That’s nice, Dr. Phil spent so long tearing Pat down, I was wondering when he would ever get around to building him back up.

Because if he didn’t, I think Pat was liable to go on a booze-and-coke bender and start calling up Betsy. . . RIGHT THERE IN THE STUDIO!

Sheesh. CBS knows nothing about ratings.

[Allah] One of Pat's male producers -- who just might be gay -- is shedding sympathy tears.

[Dave] You beat me to the punch, Allah.

Yeah, he might be gay. And I might be a bacon-eating beast of desire. You see where I'm going with this? Do you?

[Allah] The teaser for the next segment shows Pat returning to the studio to find a big welcome-back banner that reads, "We're Fucking Crazy For You".

[Allah] No, that last item is not true.

Looks like that's a wrap. No tears, no Betsy -- although I thought I saw a glimmer of a smile flash across Pat's face early on when Phil played him the tapes. If you're on the West Coast, watch for it. Grimace or repressed smirk? You make the call.

[Dave] Oh well, show’s over. Although they did plug Dr. Phil's show tomorrow, where Pat's supposed to talk about the horrors of withdrawal & rehab. And then give away Pontiacs.

Sorry for all the technical difficulties— you really can’t have two people blogging in the same post. Ace owes you all an apology for setting up this clusterfuck. I hope his appletinis were worth it.

That said, I’d like to thank Allah, who is, as always, a gracious friend, and a benevolent God.

As for the show itself, a little disappointing, but nothing unexpected. Not enough Betsy, not enough hookers and coke, and most certainly, not enough tears.

Me, I’m hoping for a director’s cut. Or at least a decently-edited parody online.

In the meantime, as always, it’s been a pleasure being your host.

Dave at Garfield Ridge

digg this
posted by Ace at 04:07 PM

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