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May 01, 2005

Live-Blogging the Bus With My Sister

Update: "Rosie," a blog read by tens of people a day (according to Letterman producer Rob Burnett), now has its comments enabled.

They LOVED the movie. They're thanking her for bringing back "real television."

I. Don't. Get it.

The woman is talentless. She's not funny. She's... nothing. How the hell has she attracted such a large number of... fans?

Thanks to SondraK.

...

Okay, I'm probably going to burn in hell for this, but I guess I have to do this at this point.

I will, to the extent possible, keep the focus on Rosie O'Donnell's inability to act, her embarassing performance, etc., and keep way from actually making fun of the mentally handicapped. Although, I'm afraid, there's going to be some overlap; her performance is, after all, a (clumsy, talentless, Emmy-bating) attempt to portray the mentally challenged.

9:00 PM EDT I start in earnest.

I don't know how long I'll be able to watch. But I will blow off both Deadwood and the return of The Family Guy for this horrorshow. I'll take the punishment for as long as I can.

But I am only human.

Guess it would be a good time to begin making predictions/wagers... like how many different "wacky t-shirts" will be displayed in the film, the first instance of her saying "No! No! No! No!" like Rainman, etc.


Okay... this is why I get no respect from the blogosphere. Other people live-blog debates and press-conferences. I live-blog "thrillingly embarassing" Rosie O'Donnell sap-fests.

We're not even through the credits and we've seen one wacky t-shirt, evidence of quirky hobbies, a personal affirmation (Excellent!), three I love you's, one act of kindness by a minority, and a bus.

All this in one minute. Three I love you's. God. This is going to be a long night.

First "I am a person." Geeze.

Two more bus scenes, one more personal affirmation exclamation-- "I'm cool beth."

"It's just a retard-- don't make eye-contact." That was actually a line from Strangers with Candy.

Another "I'm a person." For crying out loud, they're not going to make this easy for me.

Yet another random act of kindness by a minority (black woman wants Rosie to feel her unborn child in her belly). And two nasty remarks from white people. Wonder what the message is here?

The Scoreboard (ca. 9:20)

Wacky T-Shirts: 20
Scenes on a Bus: 10
Repetitive Refusals (No! No! No!): 1
Emmy-Clip Moments (Crying; Angry Outbursts): 1
Quirky Hobbies/Interests/Trivia: 1
Embarassing Moments Where the Challenged Sister Doesn't Understand Sexuality: 2
Personal Affirmation-Exclamations (I am a person!): 10
I Love You's: 6
Lessons Learned from the Mentally Challenged: 5.5
Random Acts of Kindness from Minorities: 7
Compuslive Indulgence in Sweets: 6
Mean White People: 12
Retarded Tae Kwan Do: 1 scene practicing; 1 scene actually using (basically just falling to the ground into the fetus position)

Another wacky t-shirt, another bus scene.

"I wear bright colors. I give people lots of colors" = personal affirmation exclamation.

First donut and Coke at 9:18.

First commercial break. Well, someone's already dead. I missed that cliche.

Damn-- forgot to add category "Calm down/don't make a scene."

BTW-- who the fuck says "Don't make a scene" to a grieving child at a FUNERAL? If there's any place you're allowed to make a scene, it's at a grave site, for the love of God.

A lesson I've learned: Black people are kind and warm-hearted, white people are brittle, uptight, and fucking assholes.

The entire family are assholes... seems like three more mean white people. (I exclude Andie McDowell.)

Hmmm... maybe Rosie does understand sexuality. I'll have to keep my eyes open on this one.

It is Beth's body. Don't you forget that.

"I have lots of friends." Happy Timmy?

Does anyone believe this bus drivers would be her friend? Eeesh.

Just added Andie MacDowell into list of Mean White People. She'll come around, of course, but this is her "crisis moment." Very soon she will learn to accept the Magic of "Cool Beth," and then WE WILL BEGIN LEARNING THE FUCKING LESSONS!!!

Remember, all white people (who aren't retarded) care about is their precious "Careers." They forget all about the important stuff in life, like annoying the bejesus out of bus drivers.

FIRST LESSON!!! You can combine your career and caring for the mentally handicapped, as long as you have a freelance job like roving photographer!!

Look, I'm going to be serious for a moment. I'm sure there are interesting stories that can be told about dealing with the mentally challenged. Is this one of them? Are we really interested in seeing the ins and outs of a small-city bus system?

I mean, Jesus! The Jesse character at least learned martial arts; now that would be an interesting movie-- a retarded man learning martial arts. And no, I'm not kidding.

But this woman just drives around on the buses all day and annoys the fuck out of everybody.

What the hell? Who thought this was a compelling story?

More jackass white people. Somewhat balanced by super-nice white bus driver.

ZONE ONE! That's what you call, in the screenwriting biz, a kick-ass "dramatic reversal."

What is love...?

"love just happens... gotta love somebody" = lesson of the simpleminded

another lesson: You worry too much... you have to be more like me

Gee, Jesse's martial arts skills didn't do him much good against the two toughs... I hate to be a dick, but did they teach him some form of retard kung-fu? Because he didn't seem to know the normal kind.

"YOU CAN LEARN A LOT IN JUST ONE DAY" = BIG LESSON! Double lesson points!

Whoops! Forgot the two muggers were white. Actually, I didn't notice their race, but of course they were white. It's ridiculous to imagine in this sort of movie muggers would be anything else but white.

Hmmm... you're a clumsy, fat mentally-challenged woman with a low frustration tolerance and poor impulse control... OF COURSE you can hold my baby! In fact, if you want to toss the little fucker around like a fuckin' football, knock yourself out!

Suddenly she wants to have a baby? Where the hell did that come from? I know where it came from-- from a dozen other retard-movies.

I didn't know a girl-on-girl tickling scene with Andie MacDowell could be so... disturbing.

"Rejection's good for you.. it makes you move on" --- the bus driver isn't *technically* retarded, but he's close. I'm counting that has a half a lesson from the mentally handicapped.

And I forgot all those "Wacky" t-shirts from the flashbacks... had to bump up the wacky t-shirt tally by a bunch.

Double-barrel I love you's... thank god, this Abomination is almost done.

I'm so happy we can show retards and bus-passenger pictures at the gallery... that's what the public is demanding now. That's what's hot. If it's not mentally-handicapped or riding on an inter-city bus, the art-going public just yawns.

IS THAT IT?

THANK GOD!

But seriously-- was that even a movie? Isn't, I don't know, stuff supposed to happen in a movie? Did ANYTHING happen in that fucking movie at all?

Nothing happened! Half of it was boring flashbacks, the first half was "conflict" in Andie MacDowell over career versus annoying obese retard-sister, the second half was Andie MacDowell giggling with and tickling her stupid sister. Where was the climax? Where was the all the drama?

What the fuck was that? That wasn't a movie. That was an amateur script that somehow got accidentally placed in the "IN PRODUCTION" pile.

Oh, dear lord, that was horrific.

digg this
posted by Ace at 08:35 PM

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