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April 19, 2005

Topical Repost: Top Ten Changes the New Pope Will Enact to Make Christianity More Acceptable to Liberals

10. "Christian fish" logos will all be certified by the EPA as dolphin-safe

9. Key lyric of Norman Greenbaum's hippie-Christian anthem, Spirit in the Sky, changed from "I've got a friend named Jesus" to less-divisive "I've got a friend named Walter"

8. Good Friday officially renamed "Passable Friday;" Ash Wednesday officially renamed "the Day Before Thursday"

7. Placards displaying "John 3:16" outlawed at sporting events; spectators wishing to display their spiritual beliefs may substitute oversized foam-finger bearing the corporate slogan "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!"

6. The requirement that an actual belief in Christ is required to be a Christian is deemed discriminatory and judgmental; churches will offer alternative methods of qualification, such as "celebrating the magical joy of a baby's smile" or "just sitting in the park, thinkin' about Nature and shit"

5. Christ's words are modified to make them less "harsh" and "hostile" to non-believers; "I am the Way and the Light" changed to "I am the Way and the Light, if you believe in that kind of thing, and assuming that's your bag"

4. To be more "inclusive," Christian Heaven becomes history's first open-enrollment paradise; no particular belief system is required for entry, but applicants must have either a high-school diploma or eight weeks of N.E.A.-approved adult education (in cooking, basic automotive maintenance, or modern Spanish flamenco guitar)

3. Common name "Christopher" -- from the Latin for "Christ-Bearer" -- declared intolerant and offensive; by Papal Bull, all men named Christopher have their first names immediately changed to "Mitch" (also acceptable: Walter; see Number 9 above)

2. New Testament rewritten to delete references to Caiaphas and other Jewish priests; henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die Hard

...and the Number One Change the New Pope Will Enact to Make Christianity Acceptable to Liberals...

1. Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santie Clause, and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (a.k.a., "The Spirit of Diversity")


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posted by Ace at 01:31 PM

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