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February 01, 2005

Anti-War Democrats Seek "Exit Strategy" From Issue of Iraq

Liberal Legislators Seek "Timetable" For End to Discussion of Everything To Do With Iraq

W A S H I N G T O N (Acewire News Service) -- Calling their previous pessimism and gloom on the prospects of free and fair Iraqi elections an "unending quaqmire," several leading Democrats called for an "exit strategy" for all discussion of the topic whatsoever.

"President Bush has promised to unify this country," Congressional Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said in prepared remarks. "He now owes it to us to present a firm timetable laying out precisely when we can stop talking about Iraq and move on to other pressing issues which we're wrong about, like claiming that Social Security is not in crisis."

Pelosi's call for a timetable was rejected by Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. "I don't want to talk about timetables, as they might embolden our enemies in the United States Congress," Reid explained. "It's more important that President Bush lay out a series of criteria for defining success in Iraq, all of which must be quite impossible to ever actually meet. Then we can declare victory and start yammering about gay marriage again."

Former presidential candidate John F. Kerry of Massachusetts offered grudging praise of the Iraqi people's bravery and commitment to democracy before also demanding that President Bush "be straight with the American people and tell them when he will stop humiliating the Democrats for being wrong on every foreign policy question of the past four years."

"Today marks what we hope will be a new beginning for a stable, prosperous Iraq," Senator Kerry intoned hautilly. "And hopefully, if we could just ix-ne on the Iraq-ne alk-te for just a few months, it may mark a new beginning for a stable and prosperous Democratic Party as well. Which I think is what we're all really concerned about."

Although most leading Democrats were somewhat restrained in their calls for an "exit strategy" of further discussion on the issue, Senator Ted Kennedy demanded an "immediate pull-out" of most media mentions of the new democratic state of Iraq, with a complete media abandonment of the issue by late 2005. "I would suggest that whenever the media wants to report on the successes in Iraq, they instead give us adorable 'local color' stories, like a squirrel who can ride a surfboard."

Aaron Brown of CNN's Newsnight called the proposal "interesting." "I have to tell you, it makes me just sick to pretend to be happy about the success of the Iraqi elections," he admitted. "On the other hand, I have absolutely no problem showing video of that bear that fell out of a tree on on to a trampoline, night after night after night, if that's what it takes. I'm also working on a 'Carsenio the Magnificent' kind of sketch, where I 'psychically' attempt to report all of tomorrow's non-Iraq news, today."

Mr. Brown immediately held an envelope to his forehead and intoned "Me, Peter Jennings, and Katie Couric." Tearing open the envelope and blowing into it, he read the contents of the card inside. "Name three people currently being watched by friends and family for signs of suicidal depression, and who have had their shoelaces, belts, and Percoset confiscated by mental-health care professionals."

"It's more true than funny," he explained wryly.

Liberal bloggers instituted their own exit strategy unilaterally and by and large refused to mention January 30th's historic events entirely. Joshua Micah Marshall could only offer a single line -- "I question the timing" -- although the January 30th vote has in fact been scheduled for six months.

In related news, Keith Olbermann is said to have gone "flat-out batshit crazy" and will devote his show for the next several weeks to examining the "voting irregularities" in Iraq. He says that in some precincts, it took Sunni minority voters up to three hours to pass through security, and he plans on interviewing confirmed lunatic Greg Palast every night for the next three months.

Mr. Palast claims he has "proof" that John Kerry actually won the cities of Tikrit and Fallujah.

"Actually, I think that actually might be true," admitted a high-ranking Bush Administration official.

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posted by Ace at 01:57 PM

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