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January 28, 2005

Note to Spammers (WuzzaDem)

Sorry if I sound terse, but I just sat here waiting for hundreds of e-mails to download, and of course 90% were crap (AKA 'Spam'), so I just want to get a few things off my chest.

First of all, I didn't order any Vicodin, OK? Believe me, I'd remember that. I'm sure that memory loss is probably a side effect of Vicodin, but I'm quite certain I didn't order any, so please stop telling me that my prescription is ready. Does that sound fair? Great.

OK, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that I was so freaking stupid that I would actually buy a pharmaceutical over the internet from a total stranger. Do you think I'd buy it from someone who spelled it 'V1c0d/n' or 'vIc0d!n'? And what is this 'overspelling' thing you're doing now? Seriously, look at this:

Buuuuyyyyy Viiiiccoooodiiiiinnnn frrooomm usssss!!!!!!

It looks like you've been doing too much of your own product.

I have to tell you, I don't get many e-mails from Microsoft, but when I do, they usually don't start off "!mp0rta|\| t M1cr0s0ft |_|pdate /\ttacheD!''

And I don't think Symantec would send me an e-mail reminding me to 'VpdatE V1Rus Def|n|t10ns |\|0w' and attach a 'pif' file for my convenience.

I would definitely remember if I had applied for a mortgage online. Once again, I realize there could be some memory problems due to the V!c0D|n, but a mortgage would be hard to forget. So stop telling me my application was approved. I'm not biting.

Here's an idea: How about taking a few minutes to learn to use your mass mailing software correctly? I know why I get e-mails where the subject line literally reads ''Subject line': The instructions said 'Type subject line here', and that's exactly what you did. You typed the words 'Subject Line'. HEL-LO? You're supposed to be creating a subject line, genius. You know, something catchy like "This is the Best!" or ", we are the best" or ", You need this", or "Stop the pain of your brother is suffering for today." Who told you that worked? Someone must have, because I get tons of e-mails with the same inane catch-phrases in the subject line. Do you test these things on 'Spammer focus groups'?

Let me ask you something - are people really buying cruises and vacations from you? Seriously, are they? Can you give me a few of their names? Because if there really are people out there who are that incredibly stupid, I'm sure I could knock on their door, tell them that the IRS is now collecting door-to-door, flash some plastic badge from Toys-R-Us with the letters 'IRS' drawn on it with a red crayon, and they'd start forking over their cash. I could quit my day job.

Of course, I'm only joking. I wouldn't really do that, because I'm not a lowlife weasel (no offense to weasels) who would turn my grandma upside down and shake her violently if I thought there might be some loose change in her apron pockets.

By the way, have you heard that spammers are being prosecuted and sent to jail now? Not just jail. PRISON (or Prr!!!!!ss0000n, if you prefer).

That's right, some guy was recently sentenced to nine years in prison for doing exactly what you do every day. Let's say that again, shall we? Nine years. Nine. long. years. And he was fined over $16 million. Do you have $16 million handy? I didn't think so.

I'm not sure whether or not you have access to e-mail in prison, but even if you are, I don't think you can send hundreds or thousands of e-mails out at once. You can probably get V!<0d|N, though. Of course, that costs money (as you know), and you might be flat broke, but I'm sure some large hairy guy with a lot of tattoos would be glad to buy it for you. He'll probably want something in return, though.

Just remember, if you should find yourself in prison, broke, and involved in a relationship that you really don't want to be in, don't bother e-mailing me to ask for help. You can consider that bridge burned.

Posted by John from WuzzaDem

Coss-posted at

Update: Ann Elisabeth over at Ann Elisabeth's Blog is serious about spam.

Hat Tip: overtaken~by~events

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posted by Ace at 10:54 PM

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