Sponsored Content
« Kofi Junior: International Man of Griftery | Main | One Skull To Bind Them »
December 02, 2004

Top Ten Proposed Reforms For the UN

10. Countries that don't matter, such as Belgium, are booted out of the UN and instead made members of the International Model UN, and hereafter spend their time trying to cadge money for "irrigation projects" out of the seventh graders of Estes C. Kefauver Middle School

9. New Secretary-General? "Iron Mike" Ditka; immediately reorganizes world body into famously-effective "46 Defense"

8. Whenever Russian delegate speaks about anything at all, he's required to pound his shoe on the table, just because it's so damn funny

7. International disputes solved by putting delegates from feuding countries in detention all day Saturday, just like in The Breakfast Club

6. Out: Bono's annoying lobbying for debt-forgiveness
In: Lindsey Lohan lobbying for, uh, whatever the hell she likes, actually

5. In order to increase its popularity in the US, the UN launches a major television campaign with the theme The United Nations-- It's Not Just For Incompetence and Graft Anymore!

4. England and Australia are required to admit that they really don't speak in those silly fake accents at home, and that it's all just a put-on act they do for tourists

3. To finally cure France of its 200-year national inferiority complex, all French delegates issued baseball caps with self-esteem boosting slogans like "Superstar," "I Am Somebody!" and "World's Best Golfer"

2. Rules of parliamentary etiquette relaxed to allow the US to respond to countries reluctant to fight terrorism by declaring "Don't be a gaywad"

...and the Number One Proposed Reform For the United Nation...

1. To underscore the actual pecking order in the UN, all delegates required to wear Star Trek style uniforms indicating their rank and function; the US wears gold tops, our allies wear blue, and everyone else wears red to remind them they're just one fuck-up away from being the first ones sent to investigate the the "Unstable Energy Anomaly" of Rigel 7*

* Classic Trek, of course. Don't dork me out by telling me that commanders where red in the later series.

Correction: Sorry, I called it the "56 defense." I see from the comments it was the "46" defense.

digg this
posted by Ace at 12:25 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
TheJamesMadison, on just the weirdest trip with John Boorman: "389 Yeah, I do. Those are perfectly good reasons a ..."

Have you figured out that the gay flag is a p3d0 flag? : "They are looting the Rural King! - I didn't ..."

REDACTED: "word on the street is Palin was set up by Capn Bil ..."

18-1: "[i]To be fair people at DU are on average 20 years ..."

Joe Mannix (Not a cop!): "Many parallels and similarities between the reacti ..."

Huck Follywood: "JJS is absolutely right to say black on black crim ..."

Jaimo: "Ciampino, are any of these kitties getting any soc ..."

Montec: "Yeah I guess DU May skew older. The yuutes are on ..."

davidt: "I never understood the visceral, knee-jerk, instin ..."

Ciampino - Maybe not yet the end of The King's English lesson for today: "Wonderful language is English. And the disappoi ..."

TheJamesMadison, on just the weirdest trip with John Boorman: "386 Kamala got what 2% in the 2020 primaries? But ..."

Bulgaroctonus : "Hey, Tonypete. ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64