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December 02, 2004

Top Ten Proposed Reforms For the UN

10. Countries that don't matter, such as Belgium, are booted out of the UN and instead made members of the International Model UN, and hereafter spend their time trying to cadge money for "irrigation projects" out of the seventh graders of Estes C. Kefauver Middle School

9. New Secretary-General? "Iron Mike" Ditka; immediately reorganizes world body into famously-effective "46 Defense"

8. Whenever Russian delegate speaks about anything at all, he's required to pound his shoe on the table, just because it's so damn funny

7. International disputes solved by putting delegates from feuding countries in detention all day Saturday, just like in The Breakfast Club

6. Out: Bono's annoying lobbying for debt-forgiveness
In: Lindsey Lohan lobbying for, uh, whatever the hell she likes, actually

5. In order to increase its popularity in the US, the UN launches a major television campaign with the theme The United Nations-- It's Not Just For Incompetence and Graft Anymore!

4. England and Australia are required to admit that they really don't speak in those silly fake accents at home, and that it's all just a put-on act they do for tourists

3. To finally cure France of its 200-year national inferiority complex, all French delegates issued baseball caps with self-esteem boosting slogans like "Superstar," "I Am Somebody!" and "World's Best Golfer"

2. Rules of parliamentary etiquette relaxed to allow the US to respond to countries reluctant to fight terrorism by declaring "Don't be a gaywad"

...and the Number One Proposed Reform For the United Nation...

1. To underscore the actual pecking order in the UN, all delegates required to wear Star Trek style uniforms indicating their rank and function; the US wears gold tops, our allies wear blue, and everyone else wears red to remind them they're just one fuck-up away from being the first ones sent to investigate the the "Unstable Energy Anomaly" of Rigel 7*

* Classic Trek, of course. Don't dork me out by telling me that commanders where red in the later series.

Correction: Sorry, I called it the "56 defense." I see from the comments it was the "46" defense.


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posted by Ace at 12:25 PM

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