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December 01, 2004

Top Ten Signs Pat Sajak Is On Fuckin' Fire

10. Latest phrase on Wheel of Fortune? "SUCK MY DIRTY HAIRY BALLS"

9. Old Pat Sajak Public Persona: The nice, sweet guy you want your daughter to marry
New Pat Sajak Public Persona: The guy who knocked up your daughter and then forced her to have dangerous Mexican breast-augmentation surgery (and then banged her sister)

8. Candidly admits reason for having so many porcelain dalmations on early shows-- was connected to Bonano Crime Family and was using tacky tchochtkees to smuggle black-tar heroin

7. When a recent contestant wasn't able to guess author's name for puzzle "STE_EN _ING," blurted out, "What are you, some kind of fucking retard?", then referred to contestant as "Corky from Life Goes On" for remainder of broadcast

6. Explains reason his late-night talk show failed was due to "stuffed-shirt network pussies" who wouldn't let him explore the issues most important to him-- illegal fireworks, cock-fighting, and vagina

5. Tom Sizemore, Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke and Robert Blake just attempted to have an "intervention" with Sajak over his out-of-control, hard-living lifestyle; all four men are said to now be in "stable but guarded condition" at Los Angeles County General

4. Just had name legally changed to "Pat Fucking Sajak"

3. New rider in contract calls for separate adjoining suite for "my ginormous crotchmonster"

2. Is being investigated in connection with gangland-style shooting deaths of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls; police are pursuing possible motive that both men "just sort of rubbed Sajak the wrong way"

...and the Number One Sign that Pat Sajak is on Fuckin' Fire...

1. Vanna White has that contented, beaming glow of a woman who's just been kept prisoner in somone's psychosexual torture chamber/rumpus room for six weeks straight*

*Don't believe me? The poor woman winces everytime she hears the words "bumper pool."

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posted by Ace at 04:06 PM

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