Sponsored Content
« The 10 Plagues: Locusts, Frogs, Blood, and Al Franken | Main | Another Six Words I Never Thought I'd Write: Pat Sajak Is On Fuckin' Fire »
December 01, 2004

Top Ten Signs Pat Sajak Is On Fuckin' Fire

10. Latest phrase on Wheel of Fortune? "SUCK MY DIRTY HAIRY BALLS"

9. Old Pat Sajak Public Persona: The nice, sweet guy you want your daughter to marry
New Pat Sajak Public Persona: The guy who knocked up your daughter and then forced her to have dangerous Mexican breast-augmentation surgery (and then banged her sister)

8. Candidly admits reason for having so many porcelain dalmations on early shows-- was connected to Bonano Crime Family and was using tacky tchochtkees to smuggle black-tar heroin

7. When a recent contestant wasn't able to guess author's name for puzzle "STE_EN _ING," blurted out, "What are you, some kind of fucking retard?", then referred to contestant as "Corky from Life Goes On" for remainder of broadcast

6. Explains reason his late-night talk show failed was due to "stuffed-shirt network pussies" who wouldn't let him explore the issues most important to him-- illegal fireworks, cock-fighting, and vagina

5. Tom Sizemore, Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke and Robert Blake just attempted to have an "intervention" with Sajak over his out-of-control, hard-living lifestyle; all four men are said to now be in "stable but guarded condition" at Los Angeles County General

4. Just had name legally changed to "Pat Fucking Sajak"

3. New rider in contract calls for separate adjoining suite for "my ginormous crotchmonster"

2. Is being investigated in connection with gangland-style shooting deaths of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls; police are pursuing possible motive that both men "just sort of rubbed Sajak the wrong way"

...and the Number One Sign that Pat Sajak is on Fuckin' Fire...

1. Vanna White has that contented, beaming glow of a woman who's just been kept prisoner in somone's psychosexual torture chamber/rumpus room for six weeks straight*

*Don't believe me? The poor woman winces everytime she hears the words "bumper pool."

digg this
posted by Ace at 04:06 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
runner : "I think the contrary, this world was created out o ..."

Huck Follywood: "I haven't seen Mariners fans this positive for the ..."

neverenoughcaffeine: "Lafayette isn't Gary or East Chicago. You are talk ..."

Pudinhead: "Hillary got paid far more for her drivel. The book ..."

... : "They were for all the things that led to this, and ..."

rhennigantx: "Ace of Kate Spades HQ would be great name for a tr ..."

... : "Posted by: Muldoon at March 30, 2023 09:24 AM (yke ..."

Lizzy[/i]: ">>Did you notice that the left has such similar co ..."

TheJamesMadison, being witty and sophisticated with Ernst Lubitsch: "364 347 Trannies picking April Fools Day for their ..."

Reuben Hick: "[i]REPORT: “Transgender” Nashville Sch ..."

Moron Analyst: "347 Trannies picking April Fools Day for their day ..."

Simple Jack: "Got a timeout from Twitter. Have to go in and dele ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64