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November 17, 2004

Top Ten PETA Initiatives to Save the Fish

10. To appeal to Christian conservatives and "values voters," PETA will attempt to change the phrase "school of fish" to "religious school of fish"

9. Planning a major re-release of 80's trash-lit Real Men Don't Eat Sushi, with new foreward by Joan Baez and that Princeton ethicist who thinks you should have sex with a monkey

8. Pro-PETA geneticists will announce that fish share just as much common DNA with human beings as centipedes, Gila monsters, and casaba melons

7. "Sexy" beefcake spread of Michael Moore making out with a halibut, kind of like that Nastasia Kinsky poster with the snake, except with 800% more back-fat

6. Ad campaign will subvert "Chicken of the Sea" trademark by parodying it as "Holocaust in a Can"

5. 200 female PETA activists will take their clothes off in Central Park to make the subtle point that... well, who knows, really? They just sorta seem to like getting naked in the vicintiy of ginko trees

4. Will compare being hooked and pulled into a boat to the dragging death of James Byrd; magazine spots will refer to fishing poles as "Klan sticks"

3. Six words: Viggo Mortenson Whining on Charlie Rose

2. New cartoon aimed at kids features "Gill," a sweet-natured mahi-mahi who speaks with a "funny accent" and solves crimes

...and the Number One PETA Initiative to Save the Fish...

1. To counter the public's "irrational fear" of sharks, will release major advocacy documentary titled Sharks, the Deadly Silhouettes of the Deep: Why Do They Hate Us?

Credit: "Holocaust in a Can" suggested by Axolotl

Old Joke That I Love Update: Don't stop me if you've heard this one before.

A man has a pet fish that he just loves. I mean, loves it. It's the greatest fish in the world. He has to go away on business, so he asks his friend to take care of the fish. The friend agrees.

Well, unfortunately, the fish dies when the guy's away. When he gets home, his friend tells him, "I've got some bad news and some good news."

"Okay," the man says. "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that your fish died."

"That's horrible!" the man cries out. "But what's the good news?"

"The good news is-- it was just a fuckin' fish."

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.


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posted by Ace at 01:08 PM

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