Weekend Guest Blogger | Main | Didn't Janis Joplin Say That Originally?
November 05, 2004

"Just Let Me Put My Pants On, and Then I'm Going to F--- You Up"

Friend of the Site The Fat Kid sends along a must-read item from the police blotter.

The police call it "aggravated battery and resisting arrest with suspicions of profound retardation."

I just call it "Thursday night":

Unfazed, the man informed the deputy, "I'll f*** you up." He then turned to his battered friend and told him, "You're a better fighter, but I'm going to f*** him up. Just let me pull my pants up."

The deputy instructed both of them to settle down and get some sleep, but the man would have none of it.

"Do you want to fight?" he repeated. "Yeah, just let me put my belt on."

While the man was attempting to ready his pants for battle, the officer again ordered him to settle down.

"No, I'm coming out there to fight. I'm going to f*** you up," he replied.

Having observed the man's proficient fighting skills, the officers readied their canisters of Oleoresin Capsicum - better known as pepper spray.

Trousers finally secure around his waist, the would-be street fighter opened the front door, looked at the deputies, assumed a fighting stance with closed fists, and received a two-second blast of pepper spray to the face.

Unable to stand up to the spray's superior kung fu, the man staggered back into the house, where he was promptly taken into custody.

Anyone who's watched more than three episodes of Cops knows that there's some inextricable connection between partial male nudity and submoronic criminal behavior. If it's past 10 pm, and you're outside, and you're not wearing a shirt, you might as well be carrying a sign reading Felony in Progress.

The man said it long ago, but it's just as true today: The guys get shirts. The guys get shirts. T-shirts! The guys get f***in' shirts.

Live your life by that simple rule and you'll never want for anything.


digg this
posted by Ace at 06:34 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Booking Agent, Aero Pinochet: "Dear Santa - This year, I've been very good, for s ..."

Bear with Assymetrical Balls: "I still have my Charlie Brown Christmas LP from wh ..."

Miklos, not from Fusion anything: "Oh Lord. Now Palp has another fundraising oppor ..."

Cicero (@cicero): "We have all these eucalyptus trees in CA through t ..."

JAS: "OK shitheads. Here is the story of eucalyptus in ..."

no good deed : "I like the "they say" it translates to Caucasian. ..."

logprof: "Wow, a Herman Cain sighting. ..."

Northernlurker : "Stop with the mariaci music. ..."

ALH: "The news showed film of the California wild fires. ..."

Blanco Basura - It's OK, I'm with the banned: "[i]Middlin'. How are you?[/i]Sick, but better the ..."

Cicero (@cicero): "Is this the ONT? Like Shep Smith's sexuality, the ..."

logprof: "Mark Knopfler himself has self edited that song. S ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64