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November 05, 2004

"Just Let Me Put My Pants On, and Then I'm Going to F--- You Up"

Friend of the Site The Fat Kid sends along a must-read item from the police blotter.

The police call it "aggravated battery and resisting arrest with suspicions of profound retardation."

I just call it "Thursday night":

Unfazed, the man informed the deputy, "I'll f*** you up." He then turned to his battered friend and told him, "You're a better fighter, but I'm going to f*** him up. Just let me pull my pants up."

The deputy instructed both of them to settle down and get some sleep, but the man would have none of it.

"Do you want to fight?" he repeated. "Yeah, just let me put my belt on."

While the man was attempting to ready his pants for battle, the officer again ordered him to settle down.

"No, I'm coming out there to fight. I'm going to f*** you up," he replied.

Having observed the man's proficient fighting skills, the officers readied their canisters of Oleoresin Capsicum - better known as pepper spray.

Trousers finally secure around his waist, the would-be street fighter opened the front door, looked at the deputies, assumed a fighting stance with closed fists, and received a two-second blast of pepper spray to the face.

Unable to stand up to the spray's superior kung fu, the man staggered back into the house, where he was promptly taken into custody.

Anyone who's watched more than three episodes of Cops knows that there's some inextricable connection between partial male nudity and submoronic criminal behavior. If it's past 10 pm, and you're outside, and you're not wearing a shirt, you might as well be carrying a sign reading Felony in Progress.

The man said it long ago, but it's just as true today: The guys get shirts. The guys get shirts. T-shirts! The guys get f***in' shirts.

Live your life by that simple rule and you'll never want for anything.

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posted by Ace at 06:34 PM

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