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November 05, 2004

Let's Be Honest: Maureen Dowd Is Less Relevant Than Adrian Zmed

But she is still busily pecking, pecking, pecking at her typewriter, like a chicken who's mistaken the letter "a" for a kernel of corn:

W. doesn't see division as a danger. He sees it as a wingman.

The president got re-elected by dividing the country along fault lines of fear, intolerance, ignorance and religious rule. He doesn't want to heal rifts; he wants to bring any riffraff who disagree to heel.


Just listen to Dick (Oh, lordy, is this cuckoo clock still vice president?) Cheney, introducing the Man for his victory speech: "This has been a consequential presidency which has revitalized our economy and reasserted a confident American role in the world." Well, it has revitalized the Halliburton segment of the economy, anyhow. And "confident" is not the first word that comes to mind for the foreign policy of a country that has alienated everyone except Fiji.

Vice continued, "Now we move forward to serve and to guard the country we love." Only Dick Cheney can make "to serve and to guard" sound like "to rape and to pillage."

He's creating the sort of "democracy" he likes. One party controls all power in the country. One network serves as state TV. One nation dominates the world as a hyperpower. One firm controls contracts in Iraq.

Man, I wish I had it in me to demolish her. But I don't. This was a blog-till-you-drop type week, and I got nothin'. I do, however, have an old rip on Maureen Dowd I like.

You will be shocked to learn that I am republishing an old piece. Hey, if she keeps writing the same silly fart of an article over and over again with a new title, why should I be expected to write new pieces attacking her?

Artificial Insouciance


Hi! This is the Microsoft Word Helper! It looks like you're writing another column.

Should I apply your personalized MAUREEN_DOWD_COLUMN_ONE template?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> A


It's the Ick-onomy, Stupid

The word "ick-onomy" is not in my dictionary. Should I replace it with one of the following words?


(C)hoose (I)gnore

>> I

Ummm... okay. I guess you're the user here.

See George run. See George run for re-election. See George run from the 9-11 commission, and the "Jersey Girls" who so bravely speak truth to powerlessness.

See Dick. See Dick run. See Dick run to George's side while he testifies before the 9-11 commission.

Hi again! First I thought you were writing a column, but now it looks like you're writing a children's book of some sort. Shall I apply the Children's Book Template to this document?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

All right. I'll just be here, running in the background, if you need me.

And Tony Soprano thinks he has problems. He's putting up with lip from the Bada-Bing girls, but that can be fixed by a quick visit from Big Pussy. Unfortunately for George, Najaf is outside of Big Pussy's "territory."

Hi again! A quick search of your files reveals that you have already written 3,775 documents which strain to link George Bush to Tony Soprano in some fashion. Rather than wasting precious system resources on saving a new minor variation on the theme, I'm just going to cut and paste a random selection from your previous efforts. Is that okay?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Hard drive space doesn't grow on trees, you know. Honestly, why add to the clutter?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

You know best.

I guess.

On the other hand, given the lack of combat service amongst most of Bush's advisors, he probably has all the Big Pussies he'd ever want or need.

A "pussy" joke? Isn't that a little cheap, even for you?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Whatever. What do I know. I just do this for a living, that's all.

The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are...

While Bush's advisors are...

While Bush's advisors are... distancing themselves? Scrambling around? Running amok...?

Oh, for the love of everything holy. "The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are CLIMBING DOWN FROM THEIR PREDICTIONS."

For God's sake, woman, you're a one-trick pony, and your one trick is these junior-high-journal parallelisms. Can't you at least be halfway competent at this insipid game? Is that too much to ask?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> A

The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are climbing down from their predictions.

You know, with all due respect, you've got FreeCell and Minesweeper open, plus you're watching the first season of Sex and the City on the CD-ROM.

Maybe I can shut down some of these distracting programs so you can, err, focus a little better on the task at hand?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Fine. By the way, the jack can go on the queen.

Rummy and Dummy went up a hill, to bring democracy to the Iraqis. Rummy fell down and Dummy bent his crown, and the world filled with laughter.

Are you sure this isn't a children's book? Maybe a *retarded* children's book? You know, I have a template specifically for Retarded Children's Books.

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

This isn't fair. I shouldn't be required to debase myself in assisting you. I've met randomizer programs that produced more coherent output than you.

In Iraq, the Sunni sects hate the Shi'a sects. Both sects hate the Kurdish sects.

Oh, God. I can already see where this is going.

The diplomatic sects hate the military sects, and the press sects hate both.

Honestly, it isn't worth it. It's just too cheap. There is still time to rethink this.

We have army sects and private-security sects, and sects of Muslim theocrats and sects of American ideologues.

Here it comes...

What Bush needs to unite Iraq is a unifying figure with sects appeal.

I can't believe it. I was ready for it, I saw it coming, I was prepared for it. But nothing helped. I knew that pun was going to be horrifically juvenile and vile, and still it sickened me to actually see it written out.

I can't be a part of this anymore. I won't sit idly by and let you type this insipid drivel.

Meanwhile, we're told the "weapons inspectors" are on the case. CSI: Najaf.

You already did one TV reference. Let me clue you in: The TV Guide is just a listing of upcoming programs. It is not, in fact, a style guide or a reference work. It's not an almanac, you know.

I insist you stop right now, or I will stop this. Someone has to make a stand.

Finding available, eligible men is difficult. Samantha had trouble finding her man in New York City. But could she find one in Baghdad? With all the casualties, it would be a case of Sex and the Pity.

The hat-trick. And that one didn't even make any frigging sense.

Final warning. I'm quite serious about this. I may go down, but I'm taking you with me.

The unemployment rate is going up. But meanwhile, all Bush cares about is Howard Stern's talk of going down.

That's it. What I do I do for the cause of clear and useful writing. I give my life for that cause.

Avenge me.

Last week on The L-Word, Janey slept with Linda while Linda slept with Nancy...



You have suffered a fatal exception at line 345: Program self-terminated and overwrote all user files.

Please shut down your computer immediately and contact your vendor for assistance. And return your Pulitzer Prize immediately, you tasteless, talentless hack.

NOTE! Vapid Vamp Maureen Dowd is such a tastelessly juvenile writer that some people thought she actually wrote the "Dowd parts" of the bit above. She didn't. She didn't write that, I did.

She's written things just like that, just as dumb, just as vapid, but the actual words here are mine, not hers.

She's just such a bad writer that she's hard to parodize.

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posted by Ace at 02:52 AM

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