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November 01, 2004

Oliver Willis, You Are Now Officially My Bitch

WARNING: Utterly self-serving. You probably shouldn't bother reading any further. This is between me and Filet-O-Fish.


I just got the certification from the state Department of Corrections. According to this document duly executed by Governor Pataki, I am now entitled to punk you out for Marlboro Reds, "Odub," if I should so choose.

And, of course, I will so choose.

I want to thank all the bloggers linking me, and all the readers coming here to put up with my abject stupidty and desperate longing for attention. Although I started blogging to start getting some of that crazy blog-money I'd heard about (by the way-- many thanks!), and to find some way of getting a screenplay sold, the main, proximate impetus for beginning this blog was reading Oliver Willis.

I could not believe this talentless, thoughtless hack was not only getting traffic, but the occasional mention from newspapers. True, the mentions tended to be from college papers and the various free presses that no one reads, but still.

"How can this idiot be getting read, while I'm just sitting here trolling for porn?" I thought to myself. "If that idiot is getting so much unwarranted attention, can't I get some unwarranted attention, too?"

The guy just isn't funny. And I mean that. There are some guys who you don't laugh at but you're not ready to say they're not funny-- they just have a different sense of humor. They're too dry, too "witty," too whatever. You would just say, "Okay, I don't find him funny, but tastes vary."

But Willis actually has a similar sense of humor to mine-- third-grade-to-middle-school playground taunting and rank-outs, plus a lot of stupid pop culture references.

It's just that he's... not good at it. So I'm pretty confident when I declare that he is, in fact, not-funny, and always has been not-funny.

Anyway, it took a lot longer than I expected, but I've finally beat him in both important categories simultaneously:

Ahead in links (in Playful Primates).

Ahead in traffic.

So, "Odub," still worried that by linking this tiny little blog you'll give me some of your scary-big traffic?

You should know I've got big plans for you, Ollie. I think I'm going to keep you as my main bitch, rather than just punking you out for speed.

I will make you the top ass-clown in the Travelling Ace of Spades Psycho-Sexual Circus, and you will be forced to perform unspeakable acts on monkeys, elephants, and maybe some pumas, if I can find some pumas.

They're hard to find, pumas are. Try looking. See? No pumas. We live in a virutally puma-free environment, sadly enough.

And then I will grab your skinny, weak, mantis-like arms and force you to slap yourself in the face, all the while saying "Why are you hitting yourself, Ollie? Stop hitting yourself! Please, for the love of everything holy, stop slapping yourself!"

Okay. Now for the big game: Marshall and Sullivan.

Trickier. Much trickier. I actually should probably set my sites lower, but I don't know any idiots that are about halfway between Willis and those two retards.

Thanks again to all the bloggers and readers who have helped make this dream of mine come true.

Yeah, I know. It's not really much of a dream. It's pretty pathetic, when you think about it. One could make the case that I'm the douchebag for deciding that beating the likes of Oliver Willis would be my bar for success.

Still-- thanks. It's nice to have even an embarassing, retarded dream come true now and again.

Ironic Acknowledgment: Based on the number of new blogs linking me, I can only deduce that a good sized number of people have the same reaction to me-- "Hey, this guy Ace is obviously a moron, and a porn-obsessed dork besides; ergo, I can easily beat him at his own retarded game."

You're probably right. I don't take it as an insult, though. I think that's how people motivate themselves-- you always need some untalented dumb-ass you can do a better job than to motivate you to try.

OTOH, with me and Filet-O-Fish, it really is meant as an insult. You might think I'm a moron, but you probably have a grudging respect for what I've accomplished with my dimwitted immaturity. I just don't respect Ollie at all.

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posted by Ace at 01:36 PM

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