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October 29, 2004

A Top Ten List Dianna Should Probably Not Read

Okay, l'affaire O'Reilly is over.

They settled, no one admitted much of anything, an undisclosed amount was paid by an unknown party to an unspecified person, and O'Reilly's ratings have actually risen 30%.

He's golden. No one's going to dethrone him, at least not until someone puts me on at 8 o'clock.

So, it's safe now.

And remember-- all of this stuff is alleged, and it's not even being alleged anymore. This is just silliness. No harm intended.

Top Ten Alleged Bits of Bill O'Reilly Dirty Talk

10. "Counselor, you're on my erect penis, and you're spinning. You're spinnnnning, counselor!"

9. "You say you didn't have an orgasm. I say you had a gigantic, senses-scrambling full-body orgasm. I'm afraid on that point we're going to have agree to disagree. But I'll give you thirty seconds to get in the last word."

8. "Mmmm... oooohhh, you're a dirty, dirty girl... yeahhh, ohh yeahhh... I think I'm going to hold you over past the break."

7. "Seventy percent of the respondents to my special, members-only O'Reilly website poll think we should begin with some light oral, while thirty percent would prefer some playful spanking."

6. "In the Personal Stories segment tonight, a ruggedly-handsome talk show host, his demure but curious assitant, and a world of sensuous ointments and erotic sponges."

5. "On my dresser you'll find twenty dollars for cab fare, as well as a signed copy of Who's Looking Out For You?"

4. "The French maid outfit is cute. But what I'm really jonesing to see you in is plenty of 'Factor Gear.' Put on this O'Reilly Factor baseball cap and then slink around like a rutting panther."

3. "I come with a guarantee of total sexual satisfaction, and I have the deed from my father's house in Levittown to prove it."

2. "On the show tonight is you, Dick Morris, Pat Caddell, Newt Gingrich... wait a minute, where the hell are you going?"

...and the Number One Bit of Alleged Bill O'Reilly Dirty Talk...

1. "To be honest with you, I really could do without you playing around back there with my stinky, because that just... might... be... ridiculous."

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