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October 27, 2004

Coming Soon... The Coveted Ace of Spades HQ Endorsement For President

As most of you know, I have been, like Andrew Sullivan, a confirmed "independent eagle" on the question of who should be the next President. Much like my guiding muse Mr. Sullivan, I have been posed on the knife's edge between endorsing Bush, endorsing Kerry, or not endorsing any candidate at all.

Yes, it's a three-edged knife. That's how complicated my decision has been. Don't nit-pick, dick.

I have watched with great fascination at Andrew Sullivan's difficult wrestling with this key question. It's been so difficult to divine precisely where he'd come down on the issue; and so it has been too, for me. Yes, I did give an interview to Al Goldstein's Screw magazine in which I said I could never, ever support John Kerry as a heterosexual man who retains full use of his balls and spine; but that was for a different audience. You musn't take that as some sort of early judgment on the issue.

I have been straight with you. I said I was undecided, and I remain undecided. I'm "undecided" in the sense that I haven't yet announced my decision. Sort of like Oliver Willis just before he gets to the order-taker at McDonald's.

And, like Andrew Sullivan, my independent-minded, non-partisan struggle with the issue has caused me to lose some of my more knee-jerkedly partisan readers. The Batman, for example. (If that is his real name.)

Yes, The Batman still occasionally shows up to taunt me in my moment of doubt, but does he ever give me a "You go girl" or even a "Ohhh, snap! No you didn't!" ? Well, let me assure you, he does not. And it stings.

As a straight man living in New York City, my occasional defenses of President Bush have caused me a great deal of heart-ache in the social circles I run in. Just the other day I was out with the girls for a mani-pedi, and just as I was having my callouses buffed, I accidentally said, "Is it just me, or does Karen Hughes seem to have a pretty nice rack on her?" Well, I was just about ostracized from the group entirely; somehow my invite to Sandy's The O.C. season-debut viewing party went "missing."

Missing? Or just vindictively sent to Joanie instead, who thinks she's all that, but she ain'?

But all this Hamlet-like vacillation on the issue must come to an end, I fear.

I don't want to give away my decision, but look, if you're a John Kerry supporter who just comes here for the discussions about Billy Squire and Streets of Fire, maybe you ought to send in your donation now, rather than just putting it off until tomorrow.

Oh, not for any reason. It's just that you don't want to be a Procrastinating Paula, right? No one likes that.

Also, if George Soros is about to offer me some cash to pimp for the liberal Senator from Massachusetts engage in some spirited analysis that contributes to a return to American greatness, maybe we ought to get those contracts signed quick, huh?

At any rate, it's time for me, like the brave Andrew Sullivan, to make my own courageous and utterly unpredictable endorsement. I hope you will understand the gutsy choice I find myself forced to make.

Update: I think Mrs. Jeff Goldstein has the right attitude on Mr. Sullivan.

Then again, maybe not. I can't make up my mind. What is a Guiliani-Schwarzenegger-McCain-Peter Allen independent eagle to think of all this?

Questions, questions.


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posted by Ace at 01:33 AM

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