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September 17, 2004

Best of: The "Shadowy Links" Between Senator John Forbes Kerry and Bigfoot

The New York Times desperately tries to pack the toothpaste back into the tube, but the truth is now out and it's not going away.

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L to R: John Forbes Kerry, "Bigfoot." No reliable reports ever place either in Cambodia.

I hate to get ahead of myself, but as Leonardo DiCaprio said in Titanic just before the final rise and fall of the breaking ship: "This is it!"

Update-- Know Your Shaggy-Haired Apocryphal Creatures!


Top Ten Points of Comparison Between Alleged Humanoid Bigfoot and Alleged "War Hero" John Forbes Kerry

10. Bigfoot stands 8'3"; John Forbes Kerry, slightly taller

9. John Forbes Kerry sports an importantly-coifed mane of hair meticulously stylized by one of America's most expensive tonsorial artistes; Bigfoot once masturbated behind a Portland SuperCuts

8. Bigfoot subsists mainly on roots, nuts, and berries; John Forbes Kerry subsists cheifly on a diet of foie gras and lonely heiresses

7. John Forbes Kerry attended an exclusive Swiss finishing school and the tony St. Paul's Academy for Boys, and has all of the refinements that an elite education and aristocratic pedigree can provide; Bigfoot, by contrast, wipes his ass with tree bark and pumice

6. Bigfoot is alleged to have stalked and killed at least five Pacific Northwest hikers; John Forbes Kerry is suspected in only three such disappearances

5. John Forbes Kerry prefers the pasttimes of the idle rich, such as "kite-surfing" and "extreme biking;" Bigfoot is an ace at Pictionary and Boggle

4. John Forbes Kerry briefly dated actress Morgan Fairchild in the 1980's; oddly enough, so did Bigfoot

3. John Forbes Kerry enjoys fox-hunting with horse and beagle; Bigfoot employs less refined methods for killing small game, such as farting in gopher holes

2. John Forbes Kerry is a personal friend of Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary; Bigfoot once toured with Foghat

...and the Number One Comparison Between Bigfoot and John Kerry...

1. One is a shadowy, elusive freak of nature concocted by fabulists and childish imaginations; the other is called "Sasquatch" by North American Indians

Indpendent Discovery Update: Turns out I was scooped on the Kerry-Bigfoot photographic similarities by a month.

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posted by Ace at 03:13 PM

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