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September 09, 2004

Top Ten Other Signs Dan Rather's "Documents" Are Forged

10. The letterhead on one document features rainbows, bunnies, and unicorns, as well as the legend "From the Desk of Chris Lehane," which, in retrospect, probably should have raised more eyebrows

9. Letters from military men usually conclude with the farewells "Respectfully" or "Sincerely;" CBS' letters concluded with "Party on, Garth!" and "Pull my finger"

8. Chemists have identified a substance on the documents as the stable isotope of elemental bearclaw (Krispykremeum 244); Michael Moore is currently sought for questioning as a "person of interest"

7. The President in 1972 was Richard M. Nixon and not, as one memo seems to imply, Frank "The Riddler" Gorshin

6. One memo misidentifies George Bush's unit as "the Decepticons," and incorrectly states he was grounded for "improperly transforming his plane into a giant space-robot without authorization"

5. Fiber evidence indicates the documents were transported in Sandy Berger's underpants

4. An addendum to one memo ponders whether Ross and Rachel will ever get back together

3. The documents refer to other military officers whose existence cannot be verified; a search of military records has not so far disclosed a "General Firstguy," an "Admiral Secondguy," or a "Lieutennant Colonel Phoney McFakerton"

2. At least two documents contain an inordinate number of direct quotations from 1999's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

...and the Number One Other Sign the "Documents" Were Forged...

1. While reading the documents during his report, Dan Rather kept giggling like a schoolgirl on goofballs

Special One-Time Triumph-of-the-Blogosphere Bonus Entry!:

0. In a move widely seen as a tacit acknowlegement the documents are in fact forgeries, CBSNews just hired a new producer to "supervise" Dan Rather: Vinny Falcone

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posted by Ace at 11:54 PM

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