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August 25, 2004

Arachnofascism: Allah Sends Swarm of Giant Infidel-Hating Spiders to Kill Crusaders

This headline isn't a joke.

An interview with Sheik Sumide'i, a participant in the battles raging in Fallujah, reveals the following startling news:

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:T hey [the Americans] attacked Falluja and tried to cause great damage to its residents. They destroyed mosques and homes, killed women, children, and youths, and spread corruption in Falluja. Nevertheless, we believe that Allah protects the believers, and indeed, Allah stood beside Falluja, and I'd like to mention some miracles Allah performed in Falluja. It is possible that the media does not know about them.

The first miracle that occurred in Falluja took the form of spiders that appeared in the city – each spider larger than this chair, or about the size of this chair. The American soldiers left, holding the legs of this spider, and I too, in one of the Friday sermons, held up a spider, with all its magnitude, in front of the satellite channels and in front of the world. This spider also had thin black hair. If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies.

This is one of the miracles performed in support of Falluja, and the Jihad that took place in Falluja. Despite the damage done to the American forces…

Interviewer:

The people saw it, but the TV stations did not air it?

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:

The people saw it and the TV stations indeed aired it. I held the spider, and there were between 13 to 15 TV stations, including Al-Arabiya, Al-Jazeera, Al-Majd, Dubai, Abu-Dhabi and other stations, and they saw it with their own eyes.

I think he's almost certainly referring to that picture of "camel spiders" posted way back on this site (and originally on Little Green Footballs).

Frightening. And I don't mean the spiders.

Top Ten Other Miracles Which Will Save Fallujah

10. To show his wrath, Allah will blot the very sun from the sky, usually evenings around sunset

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

8. Pork-and-beans MRE's will suddenly become strangely unappetizing

7. Performers on upcoming USO tour unexpectedly changed; old bill-- Gary Sinise, Toby Keith, KISS, and The Rock; new bill-- Al Franken, Margaret Cho, the kid who played Dwayne-Wayne on A Different World, and, from Hall and Oates, "Oates"

6. Four Words: Lyddie Englund Penthouse Shoot (by Allah's mercy alone-- no pictorial in Hustler)

5. The balls of American soldiers go from their normal size of "fucking enormous" to "just plain unweildy"

4. Distribution problems cause shortage of Coke, Pepsi, and Budweiser; for three long weeks, only beverages available are Shasta and/or Fanta

3. Bizarre magical loss of sense-of-direction will cause dozens of soldiers to mistakenly believe themselves to be in Cambodia

2. Special Labor Day surprise appearance by Dennis Kucinich, who distributes tofu tacos and and organic alfalfa to visibly-disappointed troops

...and the Number One Other Miracle Which Will Save Fallujah...

1. By exertion of Divine Will, the mainstream American media will report all Iraq news with a strongly negative slant


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posted by Ace at 03:26 PM

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