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August 19, 2004

Bear Drinks 36 Beers; Passes Out

I love bears. I love beer. I love this story.

Top Ten Signs a Bear May Be Drunk

10. "Weaves" as it tries to slap salmon from a river

9. Its breath stinks suspiciously of Binaca

8. In between attempting to maul your face with its enormous claws, keeps slurring the sloppy-drunk catchphrase "I lovvvve you mannnn. No, seriously, I lovvvvve you, mannnnn"

7. Can't stop giggling over the word "ursine"

6. Makes embarrassing confessions about having a gay affair with New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey

5. Insists repeatedly that it's "All right to drive, I swear," then gets into the car's rear seat and wants to know who stole the steering wheel

4. Hits on a ferociously-ugly wild boar, but keeps seeking your approval by asking, "She's got a nice rack though, right?"

3. Attempts to shit in the woods; misses

2. Won't stop asking, "White Castle? White Castle? Who's up for a White Castle run?"

...and the Number One Sign a Bear May be Drunk...

1. Says it finds Terezzza Heinz-Kerry "candid" and "refreshing," then urinates on itself

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posted by Ace at 04:23 PM

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