Kerry Picks Gephardt | Main | Armed Iraqi Militia Threatens to Kill... Terrorist Leader al-Zarqawi
July 06, 2004

Vice Presidential Nominee John Edwards Announces New Campaign Theme

Promises to Make "Quality Hair-Care" Affordable for All Americans

I N D I A N A P O L I S, Indiana -- Newly-announced vice presidential candidate John Edwards returned to his presidential-campaign "Two Americas" speech today, condemning the Bush Administration for its lack of concern that 43 million Americans do not receive quality hair-care.

"We are living in Two Americas," the decadantly-coifed millionaire told a jubilant crowd of Democratic Party stalwarts. "In one America, the rich, priviledged, and white use top-shelf shampoos and conditioners to ensure a rich, luxurious sheen to their hair. In the other America -- the America of the middle-class, of minorities -- our fellow citizens are forced to choose from inferior brands such as Suave, and sometimes even the CVS store brand."

"This injustice must not stand," he thundered, running one hand through his coquettishly-dangling bangs.

Democratic strategist Susan Estrich hailed the selection of Edwards as bringing a "new energy" to the Kerry campaign, as well as "reminding all Americans of Dostoyevsky's famous admonishment: a society is judged by how well it treats its split-ends and oily or 'fly-away dry' hair-types."

Washington had been abuzz with rumors about Kerry's choice of Edwards after Edwards had recalled most of the senior staff that had served him in his abortive presidential run. Those rumors reached fever-pitch when he was reported to have met with Paul Mitchell and Vidal Sassoon, who were today named his foreign-policy and economics advisor, respectively.

"We will bring a new luster to the American dream," Edwards stated to reporters on the tarmac at a small Indiana airfield. "We will renew its sheen, and we will revitalize its vitality and bounce." He seemed nearly on the verge of tears as he concluded his remarks. "We will no longer have one America shut out from the American dream of gorgeously flowing locks, while the other America-- the America of Enron, Halliburton, and the KKK -- has moaning orgasms as it rubs Herbal Essences into its collective fat-cat scalp."

Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment.

digg this
posted by Ace at 02:48 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
No One of Consequence: "--Oh hell yeah. Dear Mr. President, please hav ..."

Kindltot: "[i]A long slinky cute dress and combat boots is a ..."

Joe Biden: "172 You can get half a gallon of beer in damn near ..."

Hairyback Guy: "Hey kids, what time is it? Manhattan Time!!!!!! ..."

JT: "Why does she have electrician's tape stuck all ove ..."

Off the reservation: "Nope.  He resigned. ..."

JT: "OK, I admit it. I like women in boots. Doc Martens ..."

Off the reservation: "162 Now it's mate in 9.Now 8.  Still not obvi ..."

Warai-otoko: "You can get half a gallon of beer in damn near any ..."

logprof: "Oh, yeah, those high buttoned boots form the 1900 ..."

PaleRider, simply irredeemable : "I was lucky enough to see a pale swallowtail feedi ..."

hogmartin: "[i]Why does she have electrician's tape stuck all ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64