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July 01, 2004

Nick Denton's New Blog: The Sassy, Jew-Hatin' Jihadette

EXLCUSIVE. MUST CREDIT TO ACEWIRE NEWS SERVICE.

W A S H I N G T O N -- Internet entrepreneur Nick Denton shocked the wired world when he announced his newest overhyped, underwhelming new-media sensation.

Calling herself "Jihadette," the newest addition to Denton's cyberspace stable will blog from her studio apartment/secret bomb-factory in downtown Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

Denton said that Jihadette will emulate Washington-based Wonkette's trademark sassy, gossipy style-- but with a decidedly pro-Islamist take. "There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, at least 10% of whom are sympathetic to the terrorist cause," Denton said at a press conference held in the Regency Hotel. "This population is currently underserved as regards snarky, gay-rumor-peddling gossip. The Jihadette blog seeks to correct that."

The Acewire News Service has managed to obtain Jihadette's first two posts, which will be published at 10:00 PM (Riyadh time) today:

Rectum? Why I Hardly Even Knew 'Em!

The name Musab al-Zarqawi is an anagram for "I Like Big Weiners," if you add and subtract a few letters....

The word on the Arab Street is that handi-wipes aren't Yasser Arafat's only obsession. His other interest? Dirty, filthy cock...

Iran's intelligence agency reports that captured Islamist hero Khalid Sheik Mohammed was threatened with brutal homosexual gang-rape if he did not disclose the connection between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Khalid's snarky response? "What's the catch? Cheese off, copper. I can do ten men standing on my head"...

New Jihadette Feature: Is He a Jew?: American Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist: Degenerate offspring of apes and demons?

Sources say no. But why take chances? ...

Translating Moqtada al-Sadr

Jihadette is proud to present Moqtada al-Sadr's most recent prayer/rant, and what he actually means by this.

What Moqtada al-Sadr Says...	What Moqtada al-Sadr Actually Means By This...
We must take arms against our infidel oppressors! We will cut their throats as they sleep, and butcher their children until the very last Crusader has been driven out of Muslim lands.	What's on TV tonight? Oh, this looks interesting: An old Mannix episode dubbed into Urdu. I think I will watch that while eating marinated dates.
The Jewish pig-monkeys will grind their teeth in anguish! The Jews and Infidels will rue the violation of Andalusia!	It looks like a pretty good episode. Chuck Conners is the villain. I think he might be Jewish. Or, if not Jewish, then at least Jew-esque.
The streets will run red with the blood of Zionist conspirators! Trees of Islamic Victory will blossom with gore!	Does this suicide-belt make my ass look fat? I'm seriously considering going on the Atkins diet. Last night, the Prophet Mohammed came to me in a dream and told me that carbs were both "infidel" and "unclean."
Death to Israel! Death to America! Death to the Great Satan, and Satan's Jew Minions!	He also suggested that I might get in some brisk walking from time to time. I don't know. I think I'd rather just cut down on bread.
Let us all take the example of Osama bin Ladin into our hearts, and follow his glorious example!	By the way, I'm a homo, too. But I guess you kinda figured that by looking at me. I wear a fucking dress, for Allah's sake.

Acewire Update: Ace of Spades is saddened to report that Jihadette was savagely beheaded fifteen seconds after this story was posted.

Before her death, and before she even posted a single piece, she managed to be linked by 8,865 other blogs, including Instapundit.

RIP, Jihadette.

posted by Ace at 03:22 PM

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