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February 05, 2007

Women's Magazine By Men Contest Results

Dave in Texas took time off from pool blogging, and writing about an Army surgeon awarded the highest non-combat award for undertaking the daring surgery of removing a live RPG round from a soldier's belly, to judge the improptu contest. Winners below the jump.

He was also assisted by Kevlarchick, who judged the unfunny ones (the ones submitted by womenfolk).

I could have watched the Superbowl. Instead I worked diligently to evaluate the humor and pathos of these entries in the " A Truly Helpful Periodical: The Ace of Spades Women's Magazine, Written By Men " post.

My criteria? Arbitrary and capricious. I burned my mouth on a pizza roll, so I wasn't exactly mirthy.

I broke things down thusly:


"Every Thought Doesn't Have to Be Expressed"
By steve_in_hb


The Words That Come Out Of His Mouth: The Secret Source Of What A Man Is Really Trying To Tell You!
By planet moron


Sammiches and Sex: All you'll ever need to know about your man.
by warden.


"Helping Your Stud Download the World of Warcraft Patch After Which You Leave Him the Fuck Alone for Five Hours."
by kevlarchick


"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice."
by Christopher Taylor


Coping with His Emotion: Happy or pissed. A lesson in binary numbers. Either way, stop asking him about it.
by Warden

Time management.

"Shush-Time: A Guide To The Hours Of Silence (5pm - 2am)"
by ace


Seat Up, Seat Down: Learning To Look Before You Sit
by IllTemperedCur


Asking your man to give you a massage is reasonable, but expecting him to rub your body and then not have sex afterwards is just cruel.
by sandy burger

Better living through chemistry.

"PMS Is No Longer A Valid Excuse. They Have Medicine For That Shit Now."
by Monty


I'm not your dad, so stop trying to stab me.
by Editor

Lee fuckin Marvin.

"Why movies starring Lee Marvin should NEVER get turned off."
by UGAdawg


The Couch Is Heavy: Pick a spot and stick with it for Christ's Sake

by ErikW


Three Steps Guaranteed to Get Your Man to Do What You Want:

1. Say his name.

2. Tell him exactly what you want.

3. No... just fuggin' tell him exactly what you want. Don't throw a hint so that you'll know he loves if he does exactly what you want and then get pissed if he doesn't do it. Just friggin' tell him exactly what you want. no NO NO! Don't tell him what you DON'T want and think he'll get up and do the opposite. Wait! Stop! Don't tell him about how women generally like when men do this, or about how doing what you want was featured on Oprah, or about how your ex used to do it. Just tell him exactly what you FUCKING WANT!

by Harkonnendog

This mortal coil.

You were right all along. New studies finally prove why it is ok for non-cute animals to die.
by joeindc44


The Wedge: How To Drive Away All His Outside Friendships Until He Only Has You
by lauraw


Male sensitivity in 2 easy steps:

Step 1: Maybe you shouldn't date assholes.

Step 2: Talk to him about his dog.
by The Comish (sic)


What does you man really want? 57 ways to shut up and leave him the hell alone.
by LiNi


"Achieving orgasm, and other unrealistic goals."
by zipppy

More arithmetic.

"His haircut costs $15. Yours cost $75. How to explain this to him in a way that won't make even you laugh."
by JackStraw


Returning to the first shoe store, after dragging me through six other shoe stores, to buy the first pair of shoes you tried on, is justifiable homicide in 47 states.
by cranky


The wet spot: You had it last, and you spilled it. Your problem.
by craig

More history.

Letting Go: If he did it more than 5 years ago, it is no longer valid when arguing with him now.
by wiserbud

They might be giants.

"Would You Like it If We Sprayed the House with WD-40? Why Your Man Hates Potpourri"
by Slublog

I had to ask my wife what potpourri was.


Just the facts, Ma'am: Why Correcting You on an Easily Verifiable Point of Fact Does Not Mean He Is Being a 'Know-it-all Jerk'
by David Gillies

Tripping in the shower.

16 Bottles: Why Men Don't Notice Your New Conditioner
by johnd01

Oh really?

Unpleasant Surprises: If You Don't Like What We Say, Then Stop Asking Us What We Think
by OregonMuse

Life lessons.
Because I Don't Want Him To Grow Up To Be A Pussy, That's Why: Why Our Son Will Get Spanked
by Andrew

Family values.

Transferring Without A Raise: Subtle Signs I'm Not Fond Of The In-Laws
by Vinnie


Dishwasher Loading Strategies: 'Just in Time' vs. 'Maximal Capacity', an analysis.
by BumperStickerist

Don't know. It made me laugh.

YEAST MEETS WEST: Will you pass the test?
by mark c


Thinking Ahead: If you don't want him to fantasize about your hot girlfriends, get uglier friends
by wiserbud

Guy shit.

Priorities: 15 reasons why roller cams, aluminum rocker covers, and forged pistons are more important than new furniture and carpets.
by franksalterego

My personal favorite.
I can't wait for her to back channel me some shit about the mythical G-spot.

The Clit for Dummies, First edition : It's not a chew toy, nor is it a fence
by Tres

My own "hey I'm colorblind, what the fuck do I care post?

Fuscia? Fuscia!

The living Room is fucking Purple

by Bart


Sighing Never Solved Anything: Just tell us what the fuck we did already--this shit is getting old.
by Sean M.

Compass crazy.

10 Tips on Telling North from East or West
by geoff

Men want to fix things.

Don't tell me about a problem unless you want me to fix it. If I think it's fixable, I'm going to give it a try, and possibly not discuss the solution with you first... if this isn't your goal, clarify that beforehand.
by Gekkobear

Yes, we do. I think it's the eyes, no, maybe the .. hell I don't know but we love it.

Women on Top: He's not just lazy, he likes the view!
by scherbius

I love my friend more than your sister. Is that so wrong?

Because we're friends: Why I won't help you set my single buddy up with your fat, annoying sister.
by Hollowpoint

Being clear.

"Communication 101: Why "It's all right if you go " and "No, I don't want you to go" don't mean the same thing.
by Steve L.


Spit or Swallow - He doesn't care once it's left his body.
by Baron Von Ottomatic

And the hair color thingy. Yeesh.

Decorating the Shower: Two dozen empty plastic shampoo bottles arranged haphazardly all across the floor is the hot new look!
by Sticky B

And the girl things.

Honestly. None of them seemed funny to me.

Ok, I'm lying. A lot of them were funny to me. But I don't have two X chromosomes, so I enlisted the help of the lovely and talented kevlarchick to help me pull the best o the best from the return fire category.
So blame her.

1. "Just Because Women Aren't 'Visual Creatures' Doesn't Mean It's Okay For You To Turn Into Jabba The Hut: Part four of an ongoing series" lauraw.

2. "The Art Of Morning Nookie: A 'Gun' Jammed In Her Back Ain't Sexy" lauraw. (really?)

3. "Get your hand off your crotch. It's not going to run away." pajamma momma

4. "Your jokes: I'm only laughing because awkward silences make me embarrassed for you." mary.

5. "Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife." beth

6. "Pick your myth: The Lochness Monster, Big Foot or the G-spot!" dragonlady474

7. "Quid Pro Quo?: Why Taking Her Out to Dinner Doesn't Necessarily Have to Lead Where You Want it to Lead" Nice Deb

8. "The Clit for Dummies, First edition : It's not a chew toy, nor is it a fence" Tres.

I picked this one two, because I am curious about this clit myth.

9. "This'll just take a couple hours: Mens' delusions (or why it took a month and 20 trips to the hardware store to complete that home improvement project.)" Betty.

10. "The living room is fucking purple: Lessons in listening when your wife talks to you." Betty.

Bart mentioned this too. Bart is Betty. That's my theory.

See? I don't get any of those. But they win nonetheless.

Bonus question: if chicks play in these things are they bigger morons than the dudes?

Man lesbians like Rosetta just confuse the stats.

digg this
posted by Ace at 05:15 PM

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