$100 Million Gender Studies Thesis Statement The Bride! Is One of the Worst Feminist "Movie" Disasters in History (and They've Almost All Been Disasters)

Howard Stern is a big ugly gassy idiot, but he did have a point when he talked about Spike Lee's overpoduced, overpromoted, and over-budgeted "college movies."

You know what makes a college movie? To borrow a word from Woody Allen, they're painfully didactic. They are all about Teaching the viewer. There should be some irony detected here -- people who just got out of their diapers fifteen years ago are now presuming to be wise teachers educating the rest of us -- but there's not, because college kids are largely idiots.

I know because I once was one. But don't feel bad, college students. Adults are largely idiots too.

And of course college students don't know any better -- their entire lives have consisted of nothing but sitting in class being lectured to, so of course when they try to dream up an "original" "story," the "story" consists of something at the head of a lecture hall lecturing people sitting in lecture-hall-stye seats.

All they know is sitting in class listening to someone spout wisdom at them. So of course that's what they think a "movie" ought to be.

No one wants to pay to see college student "movies." As ugly idiot Howard Stern correctly managed to discern, not even the black people Spike Lee intended to lecture showed up for his black college student films. They all went to see Steven Seagall karate movies. Only terminally white-guilted progressive idiots gave to their Woke Church and put alms in the basket at Spike Lee student films.

No one wants to be lectured at, especially not by someone who is transparently a fucking MORON, and honestly, it's only people who are fucking morons who would imagine that people are going to pay money to see a lecture from a fucking moron.

The Bride! -- exclamation point part of the official title, in case you weren't sure this student film was by someone with a college sophomore Look At Me, I'm Quirky and Deep mentality -- was dreamed up when Ugly Weird-Looking Hag Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal realized that when Victor Von Frankenstein created the bride of Frankenstein in the 1930s sequel, he had never bothered to seek consent from the dead body he was reanimating.

This is an observation which blends my two favorite things, retard-level obviousness and retard-level obsession with Feminism 101 ideology.

Ugly Weird-Looking Hag Actress Maggie Gyllenhall, having never advanced past a 19-year-old stage of development, was smitten with her brilliant idea of making a $100 million movie to correct and critique the 1930s classic for its complete refusal to address the complex and nuanced question of consent in animating dead bodies in a fantasy horror movie, and because this was pitched during after the death of George Floyd, when the nation came together to say, once and for all, that Black Lives Matter, and, even more important than Black Lives Mattering, pampered and entitled white women ought to have All The Jobs, Warner Bros. bankrolled this student film.

The movie is so bad that even woke feminist reviewers are trashing it as embarrassing. All of these movies are embarrassing, but usually they Make Pretend and give these bombs positive reviews. But this is so embarrassing it casts genuine doubt on women's competency to even be film-makers, and so even the feminist wokies are forced to denounce it as a matter of self-protection and to make sure that All the Jobs will continue going to unqualified nepo-baby AWFULs.

John Sexton has a post about it, which I'll quote from.

The WSJ's review is harsh:

A clunky framing device, filmed in black and white in an otherwise color picture and recurring throughout the film, features the spirit of "Frankenstein" author Mary Shelley (Jessie Buckley), who speaks to us from beyond the grave. Amid much vamping and cackling, she tells us that since her death she has been summoning her strength to the point that now, in 1936, she has gained the ability to control the mind of a woman named Ida (also played by Ms. Buckley), who is working undercover as a floozy for the police gathering evidence against a Chicago mobster. With Shelley remote-controlling her brain, Ida turns into a crazed party girl, dies falling down stairs, and goes to her grave. Temporarily...

Ida, after getting a little jump-start in the Euphronious lab, returns to life as the unnamed mate for "Frank," as she calls him. Spitting up black phlegm and shouting out strings of word-association gibberish, Ms. Buckley quickly becomes the centerpiece of the movie, or rather its central headache. Her overacting meets Ms. Gyllenhaal's over-filmmaking like the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic.

The director would like to be credited (wouldn't everyone?) with creating a punk-rock update of a classic. What she presents is more like the world's campiest cabaret act, with the Bride as a mashup of Katharine Hepburn, Marlene Dietrich, Bette Davis and maybe Natasha Lyonne. Ms. Buckley, talking a mile a minute, flouncing through the sets, and switching accents like a Robin Williams standup routine minus the jokes, is meant to be the ultra-liberated spirit of Woman, a canny chaos agent who doesn't give a flying fig about patriarchal expectations. She even finds a reason to shout "Me too!" a couple of times.

Variety admits that the movie has been "completely rejected" by audiences:

It was a complete rejection by moviegoers around the world this weekend as Maggie Gyllenhaal's $80 million bride of Frankenstein monster movie The Bride! opened to $13.6 million...

Industry sources, not Warners, believe the loss on The Bride! could approach $90M in its first cycle after home entertainment downstream. Note, it will be a while before the ultimate red ink is realized. Warner Bros declined comment about the movie's P&L, which includes $65M in worldwide P&A.

The movie cost $80 million, and is said to have cost another $20 million on that for movie-saving reshoots, which did not save the movie. On top of that, they spent $65 million in Prints and Advertising (P&A), and since most movies are now very cheaply delivered digitally, not in the form of expensive reels of film, I have to imagine that 98% of the P&A budget is just advertising.

And, as I can't point out enough, theaters take about 50% of the ticket price, so the tiny takings are halved.

Midnight's Edge said that maybe if this turd had come out when it should have come out -- a year after George Floyd, when people were unreceptive to Woke "Entertainment" but not yet hostile to it, maybe this piece of absolute garbage would have broke even.

But now? In 2026?

As the congressmen said about tampons in the men's bathroom at Netflix, "What year is this? 2020?"

WDW-Pro reminds us of two other recent feminist flops -- Snow White, of course, and one that was in and out of theaters so quickly you probably never even heard of it, Disney's Ella McKay, a movie about a lightly-fictionalized Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez style reformer.

Which was also what Snow White was about, come to think of it.

And here's Maggie Gyllenhaal to make the utterly self-interested argument that no matter how unqualified a wannabe female director is, you owe pampered white AWFULs All the Jobs, because they've been "silenced" for so long.

Not long enough.

Will they finally learn?

Why start learning now? They're college student film-makers -- They're not here to learn, they're here to teach.

posted by Disinformation Expert Ace at 04:20 PM

| Access Comments