The Beastmaster Cafe

R to L: A Siberian tiger, a scratching post, lunch

This better not be AI.

This astronomy is making me horny.

Grooming your doe, if you know what I mean.

Lion dad summons Chip.

A mama bear leads her troop of cubs through the snow.

Polar bear cub crawls all over mama.

Kitty's got claws.

Olivia Nuzzi just took a flea and tick bath.

Prairie dog yahoos to the chickens. Like Beastmaster's did. (Beastmaster actually had ferrets, I think, whom he called "my friends," but I don't have a ferret video so just play along and pretend he had a prairie dog. Sometimes a post's theme is like Olivia Nuzzi's metaphors -- it has to be forced.)

A bird, maybe an owl, camouflages itself as a log. I'm just glad it didn't reveal itself to be a spider.

Here's the Beastmaster training his dog to dance. (The Beastmaster had a dog, he just wasn't in the movie.)

Lion brothers fight over the bed.

Beastmaster definitely had a leopard. (Or a panther, though commenters have told me these are the same animal.) That one's right on the poster.

Here's the trailer. They make a direct appeal to the Dungeons and Dragons set. I don't really remember the trailer. I do remember that it was on HBO after school, every single day, playing multiple times between 3 and 8. HBO used to reserve R-rated movies for night time and that meant the day was nonstop Beastmaster, Rocky III, Labyrinth, and then topped off by another airing of Beastmaster. Sometimes Beastmaster would come on right after If You Could See What I Hear, about some blind guy, and then you'd have Marc Singer double feature. Here's part one of that great movie.

This is claimed to be the best parts of Beastmaster. The best parts of Beastmaster are actually just "all of Beastmaster," thank you very much.

This was Don Coscarelli's follow-up to Phantasm. Odd move but I guess he just needed to tell the story of Dar.

Beastmaster only has three gears: Awesome, So Awesome You Wouldn't Even Believe It, and the highest gear, "Beastmaster."

posted by Ace at 07:20 PM

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