Report: White House Cocaine Belonged to Someone in "The Biden Family Orbit;" Joe Biden Knows Exactly Whose Coke It Was

Nooooooooooooooooo.

No, you don't say.

You don't SAY!!!

So they know to whom the "Very Very Small Bag of Cocaine" belonged to, as the media likes calling it. "The Very Small, Very Tiny, Very Discrete and Barely Illegal at All, Really Bag of Cocaine." The "So Tiny You Can't Even Believe It, Seriously You Guys It's not a Dime Bag, It's Just a Penny Bag, Come On You Guys Can't We Just Let This Slide You Guys Bag of Cocaine."

A bag of cocaine found in the West Wing last month reportedly may have belonged to someone in the "Biden family orbit" -- and the president allegedly knows who it is.

Soldier of Fortune publisher Susan Katz Keating made the shocking claim, citing three security sources, in a report published Sunday -- even texting a number linked to President Biden in a bid to sniff out the culprit.

The Post has not been able to independently confirm the Soldier of Fortune report.

According to Keating, while the Secret Service publicly announced July 13 they had closed the investigation without identifying a suspect due to a "lack of physical evidence," authorities were able to follow enough clues to come up with a name -- and were confident enough in their detective work to inform the commander-in-chief.

"If you want the name, ask Joe Biden," one source told Keating. "He knows who it is."

I shan't believe it. I tell you, I shannot!

So who did it belong to? I don't know, but there is one clue: The Tiny Little Bag of Barely-a-Crime Cocaine had a little feather boa wrapped around it and tiny condoms stamped with the motto "NO YELLOW."

Just kidding, Hunter doesn't use condoms.

This source says it's not who you think.

"It was someone within the Biden family orbit, and it wasn't Hunter," said a second source, referring to the president's adult son -- an admitted recovering drug addict.

Someone on the blog mentioned a suspicion of one of Biden's f*cked-up trashbag druggy daughters maybe having a taste for the powder.

I shouldn't call them trashy. It's not their fault that their father slipped into the showers with them when they were far too old for that (or just the right age, Joe Biden might say).

Keating then said she texted a number provided by the White House, purportedly to send Biden SMS messages, and asked point-blank: "Three trusted sources tell me the Secret Service gave you the name of the person who brought the cocaine into the Executive Mansion. Is this true; and if so, can you please confirm the name?"

The message from Keating bounced back with the label "Not Delivered."

The Post texted the number and was unable to get an answer either.

Thanks to JackStraw.

posted by Ace at 12:05 PM

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