The Alexandria Donkey-Chompers Comic Book Came Out, And It's Even More Cringe Than Expected
Plus: A Short Reaction to Meh-vel's Eh-Game

Along with all the other stupid shit you'd expect, like demonizing Dana Loesch, the comic book features some kind of bizarre shemale Secret Sausage magazine depiction of Nancy Pelosi.

And they seem to mean this in a complimentary fashion.

Pelosi, to put it simply, is depicted as a very muscular woman. That’s not the worst part.

The worst part is that it depicts her coming out of the shower.

Huh. I can't knock the quality or bizarre gender agenda or strident leftwing politics of the book -- in those respects, it resembles very much a standard Marvel Comics comic book, circa 2015-2019.

By the way, I did see Ehhgame.

Long story short: I pretty much hated it and found every minute of the 181 minute runtime to be tedious and a chore.

BTW, there is no mid-credits or post-credits scene. There is nothing past the actual movie, except this very subtle audio cue at the end of the credits, which you certainly don't need to sit through ten minutes of credits to see. You can just read about it later on the internet.

And don't look that up if you haven't seen it -- that itself would be a spoiler.

I disenjoyed this movie thoroughly and I'm giving myself time to rethink it because I'm so out-of-sync about this compared to most reviewers, who adore this tedious CGI three-hour-long sitcom clip show.

Maybe I'm missing something. But I am between thinking it was a major, major disappointment and an actually-bad movie.

I'm having trouble distinguishing this from Justice League, to be honest with you.

The movie, for me, was almost nothing but what I'd call "obligatory scenes." Stuff that just had to be there. Not unexpected. Just necessary plot stuff and stuff required due to genre expectations -- such as big CGI battles and a truly obnoxious level of pandering fan-service, which, to me, indicated the film-makers were deeply suspect about the quality of the movie they were making and so leaned heavily on You-Geeks-Want-To-See-This-Right? fan service every ten minutes.

Oh, and all of that mixed in with a day-36-on-Survival review of the journey -- Hey, remember Age of Ultron?!! -- that came before, in a manner that first seems kind of cute and earned but then seems unduly self-congratulatory and self-pleased.

I guess they were trying to congratulate us all on this "journey," all of us dopey geeks who made this colossal waste of time and money possible.

But it felt like they were doing a bunch of curtain calls for applause beginning at the start of Act II.

So I don't know if I'm the right person to review this. I guess I'm just over Marvel. All the goodwill is gone, and now all I see is a bunch of stupid comic book CGI trash and unfunny "comedy" jokes -- almost always Jonah Goldberg-level references to other movies.

Is Tony Stark going to give Thor another nickname based on a 90s movie? You betcha he is!!!!

It wouldn't be an Avengers movie without some spicey 90s movies snapbacks from Tony.

And then Captain Marvel. My God, this is the most obnoxious, repellent character I've ever seen. A friend, who liked the movie more than I did, said, "There were four really cringey parts in the movie, and Captain Marvel was in three of them."

Does she one-shot Thanos? Nah. Don't worry about that!

She merely one-shots the Marvel equivalent of an Imperial Star Destroyer, so no big deal.

She just beats up capital-class space dreadnoughts as if they were muggers.

Hey, maybe in the next movie she can beat up a planet. You know, like Superman, only vastly more smug and annoying.

And with the power of cosmic flat-ass.

She's not in it much, but then, if there's only a bit of rat feces in your soup, it's still not soup you want to eat.

I went to see it not because I really wanted to but just because people are beginning to spoil the movie. Having now seen it, I'm not sure the spoilers matter, but that's just because I was completely uninvested in the silly popcorn bullshit I was watching.

If you still care about the characters and the Marvel TV Show Going Forward, I guess you should see it before everyone just starts rudely dropping spoilers.

But pretty much it's just another mid-to-low-quality Marvel movie. There's just more of it. A lot more.

Again, maybe I'm just so poisoned against Disney/Marvel I can't enjoy their children's programming any longer.

But I've liked other recent Marvel movies -- Infinity War was okay (though I didn't think it was great, either), and I liked Civil War a lot. And Ragnarok, mostly.

And I was one of the few people to say The Force Awakens pretty much sucked from first viewing. Most people were just so happy to finally see new Star Wars with the original characters, that rush of nostalgia feels overwhelmed their critical faculties.

But now, having had time to think about it, most people seem to agree with my first-blush take that The Force Awakens was hot garbage that only had appeal due to preexisting feelings having nothing to do with the actual film. Like getting all giddy to see a vintage Happy Days Fonzie lunch-box, without taking note of the dead rat that has decayed inside of it.

I think maybe people are seeing Endgame the same way, as the culmination of a ten-year ride they feel like they were a part of, first rooting for this plucky, brash start-up called "Marvel Studios" when they were just a little studio with only the film rights to Marvel's B- and C-list characters, but doing the most with this middle-tier slate of properties, then feeling vindicated and validated when they took over the entertainment world.

Or maybe I've just gotten cranky-pants about the leftwingers controlling Marvel and Disney.

I don't know. But this is definitely the last time I look forward to seeing one of these movies.

posted by Ace of Spades at 05:04 PM

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