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March 07, 2018

Important New Thriller Coming Out By the Cucks' Favorite Newsman [Insert Snarky Chyron Here]

"The Hellfire Club" is a conspiracy thriller by Jake Tapper, who poses as an anti-conspiracist on Twitter, at least as regards conspiracy theories emanating from the right.

This book sounds gayer than gay sex with a gay man in rainbow-striped crocs and wearing an "I'm In Stupid" t-shirt.

The debut political thriller from Jake Tapper, CNN's chief Washington correspondent and the New York Times bestselling author of The Outpost-- 1950's D.C. intrigue about a secret society and a young Congressman in its grip.

Gee, I wonder if that "young Congressman" is going to be depicted as a brave truth-teller who calls out both sides on Twitter and yet only manages to call out one side on his actual TV show.

Charlie Marder is an unlikely Congressman. Thrust into office by his family ties after his predecessor died mysteriously, Charlie is struggling to navigate the dangerous waters of 1950s Washington, DC, alongside his young wife Margaret, a zoologist with ambitions of her own.

Wow, she has ambitions of her own. And she's #DTS, #DownToScience. What a hot number!

I'm riveted. You fight for those 50s women with ambitions of their own, Jake! Very dangerous position to take in 2018.

Amid the swirl of glamorous and powerful political leaders and deal makers...

Yes, Jake, people who watch the news are all acutely aware of how "glamorous" political leaders and "deal makers" are. Especially the ones who are north of 250 pounds or 80 years old.

By the way, what's with the "swirl"? I only know of two things that "swirl:" Toilets and Dancing Queen.

The strings totally swirl. Just listening to it makes your mind twirl in a mental ballroom.

... a mysterious fatal car accident thrusts Charlie and Margaret into an underworld of backroom deals, secret societies, and a plot that could change the course of history.

Oh like in Civil War. With Jake Tapper starring as a version of Captain America who becomes a yoked hero when injected with Super Twitter Serum.

And again with the "backroom deals," which are presumably "glamorous."

I think Jake Tapper is overestimating the public's fascination with "backroom deals."

Maybe his sequel will be all about Robert's Rules of Procedure. Now that's some hardboiled, lurid stuff.

When Charlie discovers a conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of governance....

"Governance"? Or "government"?

When I look for a book to read, I always favor authors who tastelessly swap out the right word for the wrong one.

I don't know who wrote this, but surely the author must have some hand in his book's blurb, right?

...he has to fight not only for his principles and his newfound political career...but for his life.

His "principles" consisting mostly of DMing conservative cucks on Twitter so that they think he's their fwiend.

Sounds like PizzaGate: The Novel.

Except with glamorous backroom deals.

I think I'm going to buy and review this book -- so that you don't have to.

Still, we mustn't discount the glamorous sexual appeal Jake Tapper himself brings to the table -- female Twitter "conservatives" want to be with him, while male Twitter "conservatives"... also want to be with him.

I'll never get this weird homoerotic fascination the Twitter "right" has for Jake Tapper.

Oh, don't get me wrong -- I totally get homoerotic fascination. Hugh Jackman? I'm totally down with that.

Adrian Paul from the TV version of Highlander? Let's say I wouldn't mind going through "The Quickening" with a thick corner piece of that with all the extra icing that corner pieces have.

But Jake Tapper? It's like having a homoerotic crush on a Sensible Brown Shoe with one heel built higher to correct a leg-length imbalance.

I'm just saying -- an adult heterosexual (mostly) man only has a limited number of Free Passes for Gay Crushes. One or two, tops. Two, let's say. Until the next guy comes along who's as hot as Hugh Jackman, in which case it's three.

Make these limited opportunities count.

Having a gay crush on Jake Tapper is like passing over Jim Rockford for your Free Pass Gay Crush and settling on "Rocky." Or "Angel."

Or the bald cop who gives Rockford a hard time.

Or any male in the show who's not Jim Rockford.

Wait, you know what? Add Jim Rockford to The List. I don't know how I left him off in the first place.

Anyway, this Jake Tapper crush thing?

You're better than that. Or at least you should want to be better than that.

Not to push this too hard, but Jim Rockford invented, or at least popularized, the J-Turn. That's the closest you can come to sex in muscle car, besides, you know, actually having sex in a muscle car.

Speaking of Jake Tapper's Gay Crush Cheering Section, here's some of his very principled Twitter work lately. First, attacking Netanyahu for... something about Charlottesville.

Guy spends half of his time criticizing Trump's twitter use and the other half making stupid snark at world leaders.

Here, Jake Tapper soiboisplains that he's the only honest man in the room:

I wonder how much pushback Jake Tapper gets from Adam Schiff, John Brennan, James Clapper, and his other sources of leaks by people in power (either in formal power, or were in formal power and now wield a lot of informal power)?

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posted by Ace at 03:29 PM

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