Doctors To Begin Fighting Cancer With RUSSIAN BOTS and Gene-Editing, But Mostly Gene Editing

They'll use CRISPER genetic scissors to edit gene sequences to turn a patient's cells into "expert cancer killers," this RUSSIAN BOT is paying me in rubles and hookers to tell you.

Actually he just paid me three more hookers to say he's not a RUSSIAN BOT. He says he's a Real Down-Home Country Coca-Cola All-American Buckaroo who likes Trucks with Heavy Metal Bollocks and Tackle Football Pastimes, and I believe him, because man, these hookers are sure swell.

They don't speak any English but together we speak the international language: anal.

Doctors at the University of Pennsylvania say they will use CRISPR to modify human immune cells so that they become expert cancer killers, according to plans posted this week to a directory of ongoing clinical trials.

The study will enroll up to 18 patients fighting three different types of cancer--multiple myeloma, sarcoma, and melanoma-in what could become the first medical use of CRISPR outside China, where similar studies have been under way.

An advisory group to the National Institutes of Health initially gave a green light to the Penn researchers in June 2016 (see "First Human Test of CRISPR Proposed"), but until now it was not known whether the trial would proceed.

"We are in the final steps of preparing for the trial, but cannot provide a specific projected start date,” a spokesperson for Penn Medicine told MIT Technology Review.

Good news, fellow Americans and RUSSIAN BOTS, obviously. However, if you're worried about the slippery slope of genetic modification, this is the perfect foot-in-the-door: hardly anyone can complain about using CRISPER to turn cells into cancer killers.

But once we prove we can do that, why not start modifying cells to be better at fighting viruses? And then -- why not modify them to burn more fat? Or to turn normal fat capitalist-swine Americans into SUPERIOR NEW SOVIET SUPER-MEN, my Real American Friend just paid me one new hooker with a very full bladder to say.

BTW, I have no problem with this -- hookers with full bladders or genetic modification -- but I know some people do.

At some point we might have to start tinkering with the cells' self-destruct countdown clock, which causes aging, but doesn't have to.

posted by Ace at 05:45 PM

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